A time of loss

In an effort to release some of the emotions that are weighing heavily on me, I'm going to use this post to vent a little. The last few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster, although I have been struggling to decide if I want to reveal the reasons why, or just keep them to myself. I finally told a few people in my ladies' Bible study group and a few in my church Bible study group. As far as telling everyone else, there are definitely pros and cons: 

- Pro: I've discovered that I deal with things by talking them out (a lot), so posting this should help me with the healing process. 
- Pro: When I ask people to pray for me, I feel that I should be specific, because I think the power of prayer is so much stronger when people can be detailed. Also, I know from personal experience that hearing what others are going through and sympathizing with the pain they feel causes me to be much more enthusiastic in my prayers for them.
- Big Con: As more and more people hear about my issues (and they will, as each person will inevitably tell someone else), I will be forced to talk about it even more, in greater detail, for a longer period of time. This could (in a way) hinder the healing process, because every time someone comes up to me and says, "I'm so sorry!" I'll get a fresh little reminder stab.

Having said all that, I think it's just better to talk about it. 

At the end of January/beginning of February, I got a positive pregnancy test. I just knew I was pregnant; I could feel it. I've had three previous pregnancies, and I know my body well enough to know that something was different. It was a surprise, definitely, but all our pregnancies have been. Of course, when you don't use any kind of birth control, you may as well expect the unexpected at all times. When I told Nathan, he was a little less than excited, but I could understand. He's self-employed and self-insured. Each of our children cost about $10,000-$15,000 before we even brought them home from the hospital. He's the sole source of income for our family, so a new baby puts a lot of financial stress on him. I know he was happy about it, but the initial shock was overwhelming. I, too, was shocked. I love my kids so, so much. I have the three most adorable, intelligent children in the whole world, so I would love to have a hundred more! Okay, maybe not a hundred, but I wouldn't mind having more. That said, my first reaction was, "Oh...wow. Can I really handle another one at this point?" After a couple of days, I had warmed up to the idea, and was already trying to figure out a possible due date, renewing my prescription for prenatal vitamins, and mentally preparing for getting all the hand-me-downs ready. 

At the same time, I was also really sick with some kind of upper respiratory virus that was making me miserable. I went to see my doctor on February 3, in the hope that he would give me some drugs to make me feel better. I told him about the positive test, knowing that would limit the medications he could prescribe, and he suggested doing another test in the office, just for confirmation. My job: pee in a cup, give it to the nurse, and wait. I waited. The office had apparently received some new kind of tests, and they couldn't find the instructions. Since they didn't know if they had run the first test correctly, they decided to do a second one after they located the how-to paper. The end result: two more postive pregnancy tests, a negative strep test and a negative flu test. My doctor sent me on my not-so-merry way with congratulations and NO drugs. "Call us if you get worse!" Grrrr.

The next evening, I started bleeding. I tried not to freak out. I convinced myself at first that it was just spotting relating to implantation, or that many women continue to have periods while they're pregnant. The bleeding got worse, and I started cramping. I literally felt my heart sink into my toes as I realized what was going on. I didn't want to call anyone to talk about what was going on, but I desperately needed someone to talk to. I just kept quiet.

The following Tuesday (the 9th), I had a follow-up appointment with my doctor. He wanted to do another test. I knew it would be negative. When he walked into the room with the results, I could tell by the look on his face that it was not going to be what I wanted to hear. I told him what had happened, and he just gave me a hug and let me cry. 

I struggle with the thought that it was somehow my fault. Our fault. We weren't super excited at the start, and all that negativity somehow contributed to the death of our unborn child. Baby Number Four, who will never get to meet its parents, its brothers or sister. The baby that will never have a name. I wonder when that sweet child would have been born? Boy or girl? Another redhead? I wonder what Ethan, Nicholas and Zoe would have thought. I know that it wasn't really my fault, but those feelings of guilt are still there. Some days I don't think about it much, but there are other days where I feel so depressed it's difficult to get out of bed and face the day.

I know that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose," (Rom. 8:28). His hand is on this situation, and it was from the very beginning. My faith allows me to believe that there is a reason this happened, and, although I might not understand it now (and I don't), ultimately I will.  That doesn't make it any easier emotionally, but I feel as though I still have something on which to stand.

On that note, I am renewing my vow to God that I will not personally try to determine the size of my family, because I do not believe that it's up to me. If we believe God is truly in control, then He needs to be in control of every aspect of our lives. I will accept every child God chooses to give us without hesitation, because I know that He will not give me anything that I can't handle. He will be with us every step of the way, and if we're in His will, He will provide for our every need.

I appreciate all my friends and family who are willing to listen, empathize and pray with me through this. I love each and every one of you.