Kids are strange...

I'm sure this applies to all children, but since I'm repeatedly exposed to mine, maybe it just seems more obvious with them? I don't know. All I'm sure of is that my children are a particular breed of, well, "special."

To illustrate my point:

Ethan decided that the spiked look was perfect for him.

The joys of having sisters.

Zoe and Anna wrapped Matt like a burrito and left him on the floor.

Anna walked around like this for thirty minutes until I agreed to take her picture.

At first glance, this seems like a sweet photo. Brothers, roasting things over a fire together...
Yeah, they're cooking a pickle.

I really have no idea what was going on here.

Anna didn't have anyone else to play Old Maid with, so Olaf decided to oblige.

(She's grinning because he has the Old Maid, but I think he ultimately won the game.)

Thank you, Grammy, for providing an abundant supply of nasty, fake teeth.

I looked in my rearview mirror in the midst of Austin traffic, and I saw this.

Nightmares, man.

(Note: I did not take this photo while driving. We did a dramatic reenactment upon returning home.)

Weird little buggers, aren't they?

What it's like to live with us: Part VII

EPISODE ONE: NEED A MICROSCOPE?

Ethan is finishing up in the bathroom after taking a shower, and I realize I forgot to grab some clean underwear for him. He volunteers to go and get them, and goes streaking out of the bathroom and into his bedroom. Unfortunately, Zoe is standing in the living room with Daddy and sees the whole thing.

ETHAN (streaking): Zoe, don't look at me!

ZOE (to Daddy): I saw that tiny little thing that he pees out of.

Nathan starts laughing.

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EPISODE TWO: PUT YOUR MONEY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS

We are trying to eat a meal, and Ethan will NOT shut up. He's making me crazy, and I have repeatedly asked him to please, please, please be quiet.

ME: Ethan, how much would I have to pay you to shut your mouth?

ETHAN: Ummm...probably $8.00.

ME: Is that all?

ETHAN: No, just $1.00. I don't need any money. I have some money from Granddad.

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EPISODE THREE: BAD FOR BUSINESS

A telemarketer called to ask if we were interested in accepting credit cards for Nathan's business (for the thousandth time). I told her that he had previously considered it, but that we were not interested at the time because it would not be beneficial to the business. She would not give up, seriously, and would not shut up. I had four kids yelling and going berserk in the background, so I finally told her in a very firm voice that we were NOT interested, and I would appreciate if she would not call back again. I hung up the phone.

ETHAN: You weren't very nice to that person. Who was it?

ME: Someone trying to sell something to Daddy that he didn't need. I told her no, and she kept bothering me about it.

ETHAN: Oh.

He thinks for a minute.

ETHAN: What if she has kids?

ME: Huh?!

ETHAN: That lady. You were rude to her. What if she has kids?

I feel guilty.

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EPISODE FOUR: YOU MIGHT NEED THOSE

The boys are in their room, playing together. I hear screaming, and Nicky comes tearing into the living room at top speed. He looks at me, breathless and shaken.

NICKY: Ethan scared me out of my brains!

ME: He scared you?

NICKY: Yeah, so bad my brains almost fell out!

What it's like to live with us: Part VI

EPISODE ONE: IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK

ZOE: Mama!! Anna's CRAPPING!!

ME: She's WHAT?!

ZOE: Crapping! See? Like this!

She starts applauding.

ME (with relief): OH! She's clapping.

ZOE: Yeah! See?

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EPISODE TWO: RELIGIOUS FASTENERS

We are in the car. Ethan and Nicholas are keeping one another entertained as we make the trip home.

ETHAN: Okay, here. Let me show you this. Ms. Karen taught me.

NICHOLAS: What?

ETHAN: Put your hands like this. Okay. 'Here's the church, here's the staple, open the doors, and see all the people. Close the doors, and listen to them pray. Open the doors and they all walk away!'

ME: It's a steeple, buddy.

ETHAN: Okay.

NICHOLAS: 'Here's the church, here's the staple...'

ME (sighing): Forget it.

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EPISODE THREE: GOLF IS EVIL

We are in the car (Yes, again. Shut up.). We stop at a light, and the kids are looking around at all the vehicles surrounding us.

ETHAN: Mama, what's that weird little car over there?

I look over and see that someone is driving a golf cart to Wal-Mart.

ME: That's a golf cart, and I'm not sure why they're driving that on the street.

It's quiet for a minute, as the kids think about this.

ETHAN: What's a golf cart?

ZOE (quietly): It does bad things.

I bust out laughing.

ME: What?!

ZOE: I don't know.

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EPISODE FOUR: ARTSY-FARTSY

I'm in the kitchen, trying to clean up after a particularly messy breakfast, and Ethan comes to visit me. He is carrying a magnetic drawing board.

ETHAN: Mama, what do you want me to draw for you?

ME: A parrot.

ETHAN: A parrot? Okay...

He draws for about three-point-two seconds, then comes running into the kitchen with the drawing board.

ETHAN: Okay, here's your parrot! See, here's the beak, and here's his eye, and here...

ME: That looks really great, buddy! Can you back up a little bit? You're about to step in the food that's all over the floor. I'm in here trying to clean up this horrible mess before it gets tracked all over the house, so if you could just give me two more minutes, I can sit and draw with you.

He goes back to the couch and sits down.

ETHAN: Why don't you think of something really hard to draw? Then it would take me a long time and I wouldn't bother you while you're cleaning.

ME: Okay. Draw ten men, all wearing large hats, that are visiting the zoo and looking at the gorilla exhibit.

ETHAN: .........

ME: Can you draw that?

ETHAN: I think that's too hard.

ME: It is, huh? Well, how about drawing a picture of our church?

ETHAN: I can do that!

He gets to work. I'm giggling as I scrub the floor, Cinderella-style.

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EPISODE FIVE: KNOCK, KNOCK

The kids are sitting at the table, drawing pictures while watching a movie.

ETHAN: How come I can't see?

ME: I don't know, buddy. What's wrong?

ETHAN: Well, Zoe's big knocker is in the way.

ME: Her what?

ETHAN: Her big knocker. Knogger?

ME: Noggin?

ETHAN: Yeah. It's in the way.

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EPISODE SIX: WASTE NOT, WANT NOT

We are eating lunch, and the kids have breadsticks. Nicholas managed to get his hands on the last one, although it seems that he's not going to eat it.

ME: Nicky, are you done with that?

NICKY: No.

ME: Well, quit fondling it and just eat it, then!

NICKY: I'm done. I'm ready to get down.

ETHAN: He didn't eat that breadstick! He took the last one and now he's wasting it.

ME: Well, do you want it?

ETHAN: No, he already fondled it.

The Gospel according to Zoe

One day, Zoe was thumbing through the illustrated children's Bible that I used to read when I was little. I heard her mumbling to herself, and peeked around the corner to see what she was up to. She was reading to one of her stuffed animals. When she noticed that I was watching her and listening, she smiled and came over to show me what she was looking at. Then, she proceeded to "read" the Bible to me (backwards, of course - it's the best way). 

This is the Gospel, according to Zoe. (Sorry for the awful pictures.)

"One day, God died on a cross."

"Then, they all ate some food."

"Then, Mary rode on a donkey."

 "And he put some dirt on that man's face."

"And then they saw a MUMMY!!"

At this point, I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe. Poor Lazarus! I'm hoping that we'll get a chance to do the Old Testament next time. Can't wait to see what she does with that.

What it's like to live with us: Part V

EPISODE ONE: NOT A DOG PERSON

We were in San Antonio, visiting my brother in-law, sister in-law, and our new nephew in the hospital just after he was born. There were no children under 12 allowed in the mother/baby area, so we took the kids outside to run around while Nathan and I took turns going to see the baby. The outdoor area was called The Zoe Garden. Two people were sitting down there near us, and they had a dog with them. Zoe is completely terrified, and will not take her eyes off the dog.

ME: Zoe, that dog is not going to come near you, I promise. He's going to stay over there with those people.

ZOE: I don't want that dog in my garden.

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EPISODE TWO: TERROR-IFIC

I'm getting lunch ready for the kids, and I hear a commotion at the table.

ETHAN: HELP!

I turn around to see that Zoe and Nicky have picked up their plates and are taking turns whacking Ethan over the head with them.

ETHAN: HELP ME! They're terrorizing me with paper plates!!

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EPISODE THREE: TIME LIMITS

The kids are at my parents' house one Saturday, playing. Grammy goes into the boys' room and informs them that it's getting close to nap time and they only have a few more minutes to play.

GRAMMY: Okay, guys, you have ten minutes.

ETHAN: No, we want eight minutes!

GRAMMY (smiling wickedly): Okay!

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EPISODE FOUR:  SLEEP MODE

We're in the car, headed home from the store. Suddenly, a voice randomly pipes up from the back of the car.

ETHAN: Mama, I forgot to tell you that when I was taking a nap today, I had a problem.

ME: Oh, yeah? What happened?

ETHAN: Well, I crossed my eyes while they were closed, before I went to sleep, and I had a problem. They were in that mode and I couldn't get them out. They were just stuck in that mode.

ME (confused): You crossed your eyes and they got stuck in that mode??

ETHAN: Yeah, they were just in that mode and I couldn't make them go back.

ME (trying not to laugh): You probably shouldn't do that anymore, then. We wouldn't want you to have crossed eyes forever.

ETHAN: Yeah.

I start snickering.

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EPISODE FIVE:  CAPTURE THE MOMENT

We are sitting at the kitchen table, eating lunch. I look up and see that Ethan has his eyes squinted, and is randomly blinking them while looking around at everyone.

ME: Son, what in the world are you doing? Are your eyes injured or something?

ETHAN: No. I'm okay!

ME: What are you doing? You're supposed to be eating.

ETHAN: I'm taking pictures with my eyes.

ME: Uh huh. Got it.

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EPISODE SIX: IN THE SPIRIT OF THE HOLIDAY

We're all on our way to church on Easter Sunday morning.This is a rough (and short) version of the conversation that happened on the way.

ETHAN: Is today Easter?

ME: Yep. Today is Easter! Do you know what's so important about Easter?

I figured the answer would be simple, given the fact that all the kids had heard the Resurrection story at least three times on the previous day.

ETHAN: Yep.

NICKY: We get CANDY!!

ZOE: In the Easter eggs!!

ETHAN: We have to go find the eggs, because they're hidden.

ME: Yes, we do that on Easter, but what is Easter really about? Why is it important? Do you remember?

ZOE: Will the eggs at Grandma's house have candy in them?

Nathan is cracking up.

NATHAN (sarcastically): Yep, the Easter bunny lays the eggs and they're full of candy!

ME: Guys, do you remember the story about Jesus, and how he died on the cross and then rose again? You remember us telling you that story?

ETHAN: Yes.

ME: That's what Easter is all about. That's why it's important, and that's what you'll learn about at church today.

ZOE: Are we going to Grandma's house?

ME: Yes. After church.

ZOE: Is she gonna have candy at her house?

I sigh and give up. Nathan is still laughing. I chuckle and shake my head in dismay.

NATHAN: Oh, good Lord.

ME: Well, at least we tried. Another holiday ruined by commercialism.

What it's like to live with us: Part IV

EPISODE ONE: A FEW BUMPS IN THE ROAD

We are in the car, getting buckled in to go somewhere. I had previously explained to the boys (who can buckle themselves into their car seats) in great detail about where the chest clip should be. Nicholas was having trouble with this, so I used his nipples as a reference point.

Nicky is digging around in his shirt rather than buckling his belt.

ME: Nicholas, what in the world are you doing?

NICKY: I can't find those bumps!

ME: What bumps? Your nipples?

NICKY: Yes! I CAN'T find them!!

ME: I'll help you buckle up, okay?

NICKY: NO! I can't find them!

ME: Son, look for your nipples when we get home, okay? We need to leave now.

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EPISODE TWO: HE DID WHAT?

ME: Zoe? Do you know where Nicky is?

ZOE: No.

ME: Is he hiding? Did you see where he went.

ZOE: No. He buh-petered.

ME: What? Buh-petered??

ZOE: Yeah, he buh-petered.

ME (head swirling in confusion): I have no idea what you're talking about.

I have to think for a second...

ME: Oh! He disappeared?

ZOE: Yeah.

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EPISODE THREE: I FEEL PRETTY

Daddy is in the bathroom with Zoe, helping her brush her teeth before bed.

NATHAN: You're so pretty, Zoe.

ZOE: You're not a pretty boy because you didn't let me brush my teeth.

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EPISODE FOUR: WHERE IS MY MIND?

Ethan comes running into the living room and hops onto the couch.

ETHAN: Something made a noise in my room, Mama!

ME: What was it? Was it outside?

ETHAN: I don't know, but it scared my mind right outta my head!

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EPISODE FIVE: DARKNESS FALLS

We're at my in-laws' house, getting ready to go home. It's early evening, and the sun is starting to set. I hate driving in the dark because I can't see well and it makes me nervous.

ME: Come on guys, let's go! It's getting dark.

We finally get into the car and start making our way home.

ZOE: Mama, do you like to drive in the dark?

ME: Nope. I don't like it at all.

ZOE: Yeah, me either.

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EPISODE SIX: THE WEDDING IS OFF

Ethan is all dressed up in some of Zoe's princess garb, complete with jewelry and "hair" made from a blanket. He marches into the kitchen and announces that he's ready to get married. Apparently, he is set to marry Nicholas. 

ETHAN (walking back to his room): Come on, Nicky!

Nicholas runs toward him, then passes him, smacking his arm as he flies by.

ETHAN (after a brief pause): I don't want to marry you.

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EPISODE SIX: NO BUTTS ABOUT IT

One day, we were going to watch a movie. I was holding Anna, and only had one free hand to open the case and insert the disk. It was a little smudgy, so I decided to wipe it off. The closest thing to me? Anna's butt. The kids thought this was hilarious, and I'll probably never live it down. Fast forward a few weeks...

ETHAN: The movie is skipping! Can you fix it, Mama?

ZOE: You probably should wipe it on Anna's butt.

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EPISODE SEVEN: IT'S LEFT, RIGHT?

We're eating dinner and discussing handedness.

ZOE ( holding up left hand): Is this my right hand?

NATHAN: No, the other one.

ZOE (holding up right hand): This is my right hand.

NATHAN: Yes.

ZOE (holding up left hand): And this is my wrong hand.

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What it's like to live with us: Part III

EPISODE ONE: WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

We are at my parents' house, all gathered in the living room. The kids are running around and playing, entertaining Grammy and Granddad. Suddenly, Zoe comes to a screeching halt and starts sniffing the air.

ZOE: It smells like men in here.

ME: It smells like men? I only see one man (pointing at Granddad).

We all burst into hysterical laughter, and Zoe starts screaming...

ZOE: No! NO!! I said it smells like MINT in here!!

We laugh even harder.

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EPIDSODE TWO: PRINCESS TROUBLES

(Grammy and Granddad told me this story, so I didn't get to witness it firsthand. I don't doubt it, though, as I know my daughter very well!)

Zoe is sitting on the couch, looking very somber. She lets out a huge sigh, and Grammy decides to find out what's wrong.

ZOE: Nicky and Ethan don't think I'm beautiful.

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EPISODE THREE: A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE

The boys are watching an episode of Scooby-Doo, and I overhear the following conversation:

ETHAN: Look, Nicky! Shaggy has the Ten Commandments!

I wander into the room to investigate, as I don't recall Scooby-Doo being a religious program.

ME: Hey, buddy, I don't think those are the Ten Commandments.

ETHAN: Yes they are! There are words written on those rocks that Shaggy is holding!

ME: Um, I see the words, but I don't think they're the Ten Commandments.

ETHAN: They're not?

ME: No, buddy.

The show was actually about "The Curse of the Mummy" or something, and the writing was hieroglyphics on the inside of a tomb. Yeah, totally NOT the Ten Commandments.

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 EPISODE FOUR: DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL

It's about 6:45 in the morning, and the kids are starting to wake up and stumble into the living room. Ethan is the last one to wake up. He drags himself into the room and flops onto the couch.

ME: Good morning, Ethan. Did you have a good sleep?

ETHAN: ...

ME: Are you okay, buddy?

ETHAN (dramatically): I don't really want to say anything.

ME: Okay, you don't have to.

ETHAN (even more dramatically): I just don't want to talk about it.

ME: Well, I'm sorry I asked.

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EPISODE FIVE: WHEN WE ALL GET TO HEAVEN

I overheard this while the kids were playing in another room.

NICKY: I'm gonna shoot you, Zoe!

ZOE: No!! Don't shoot me!

NICKY: It's okay, Zoe! I'm gonna shoot you, but if you have Jesus in your heart, you can go to Heaven and be with God!

ZOE: But I don't want you to shoot me!

NICKY: Then you can go to Heaven!! You can be with God!!

ZOE: No! I don't want you to shoot me!!

Eventually, Zoe was able to convince the boys that she wasn't ready to visit Heaven quite yet. Several of their stuffed animals, however, wound up being massacred. The weapon of choice was a plastic french fry.

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EPISODE SIX: JUST DESSERTS

Again, we are all at the table, and everyone is finishing their lunch.

ZOE: I want buh-zirk.

ME: You want what? You want dessert?

ZOE: Yeah.

Her older brother decides to help her out with pronunciation.

NICKY: It's DUH-ZURT, Zoe. You said it wrong.

ZOE: I want buh-zurt!

ME: Dessert?

ZOE: Yes. Buh-zurt.

NICKY (shouting across the table): You said it WRONG, Zoe!!

ZOE: NO, I DIDN'T!!

Cue fighting. Exit Mommy, stage left.

What it's like to live with us: Part II

The last post seemed to be pretty popular, so I decided to keep going with this. I get tons of new material almost daily, so it's not hard.

EPISODE ONE: THE TURTLE IN THE ROOM

I'm in the kitchen (where else would I be?), cooking dinner (of course), and in marches Zoe. She's carrying a tiny plastic turtle. After a few moments, I notice that she's standing directly behind me and following my every movement with the toy. I'm getting irritated because I'm afraid I might step on her or trip over her, so I decide to figure out what she's doing.

ME: Zoe, you're in my way, sweetheart. What are you doing?

ZOE: The turtle is following you.

ME: Okay, well, can the turtle follow me later, because I'm afraid that you're going to get hurt if you stand right here while I'm cooking.

ZOE: Okay.

She starts to leave, but I notice she's moving with the approximate speed of growing grass.

ME: Honey, I really need you to get out of the kitchen, please. Can you go in the other room?

ZOE: The turtle walks really slow!

ME: *sigh* Of course he does. How could I forget?

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EPISODE TWO: DON'T BE A SUCKER

Sometimes we have to use a little bribery here at the Alexander household. On this particular (horrible) day, the kids took their naps without a fuss, so I allowed them to choose one piece of candy. They all wanted suckers, and they took a long time deciding which flavor. Finally, all three of them were happily smacking away on their lollipops and discussing their choices with one another.

ETHAN: Mmmmm! I got a blue one. What kind is it, Mama?

ME: Cotton candy.

ETHAN: It's cotton candy flavor. What did you get, Zoe?

ZOE: I don't know.

ME: It's the mystery flavor. You have to guess what it is.

ETHAN: What does it taste like, Zoe?

ZOE (in a dramatic voice): It tastes like mystery.

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EPISODE THREE: THE LAST SUPPER-EATER

We're eating dinner. Ethan is notorious for taking way too long to finish a meal, and it drives us to the point of insanity. On this particular night, we're eating something with noodles in it. Everyone else is done and we have all moved on to do other things. Ethan is taking FOREVER to eat the five remaining noodles in his bowl.

ETHAN: I'm done!

ME: Finally.

NATHAN: You ate everything? It's all gone?

ETHAN: Yep.

NATHAN (glancing in Ethan's bowl): Oh, there is a God!!

ME: *snickering*

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EPISODE FOUR: THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL

The kids and I are going to the grocery store, and Ethan is upset because it's a nasty day. There's a little bit of drizzle coming down, but it's not really raining. The following conversation takes place:

ETHAN: It's raining!

ME: Well, not really. It's just sprinkling. No big deal. The car isn't even getting wet.

ETHAN: No, it's raining, and it makes my plan bad.

ME: What? It makes your plan bad?

ETHAN (huge, dramatic sigh): Yes, my plan is all messed up now.

ME: You had a plan? For what?

ETHAN: Well, I was going to go to Grammy's house and go outside, but I can't now. Grammy bought us new umbrellas and I was going to play with mine outside.

ME: Well, then, some rain would be a good thing, right? Then you could try out your new umbrella?

ETHAN: Yeah, but I don't want it to get wet.

ME: Uhhhhh...

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EPISODE FIVE: ONLY TIME WILL TELL

I'm cooking (do you see a trend here?). The kids come in and start pestering me about when lunch will be ready, because they are starving to the point of death.

ME: Guys, go play. The food will be ready in just a few minutes, I promise. If you stand here and bother me, I can't cook, and then you can't eat.

NICKY: I'm hungry!!

ME: I know! That's why you need to move out of the way so I can finish this.

ZOE: My tummy is hungry and it hurts.

ME: Well, go play for a couple of minutes and I'll get it all done as fast as I can!

ETHAN: How long is it going to take?
ME: Not long at all. I just don't want to trip over kids while I'm trying to get it finished.

ETHAN: But how long? Like one and a half inches?

ME (thoroughly confused and trying hard to not laugh): Yeah. One and a half inches and it's all done. Go play.

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Hope you all enjoyed a few laughs at our expense. Have an awesome weekend, everyone!

Obsessive-Compulsive Sarah

Some of you are already nodding or shaking your head. Yes, I know. It's bad. I can't help it! It's been bred into me, I swear! Allow me to explain.

My father cracks me up. The best example of the obsessive-compulsive nature of my dad has to do with "The Godfather" films. (Dad, if you're reading this, I love you so much! You are truly an inspiration to me, and your quirks only make you more wonderful!)

When my Dad decides to watch "The Godfather" films, he has to watch them in order. Not just in the normal order, like film #1, film #2, then film #3, but in chronological story order. He starts with "The Godfather: Part Two," and watches the story from the beginning of the flashbacks (when Vito Corleone was young). He will watch only the flashback chapters, and then will continue to skip around and flip discs until he's watched the entire trilogy in order. Once, when I was at my parents' house, I witnessed this. My thoughts were, "What in the world is that man doing? Is something wrong with the DVD? Why is he turning it on and off?" I looked at my mother with raised eyebrows, and she rolled her eyes as she explained, "Your dad HAS to watch the movies in chronological order."

I can't say a word, and neither can my mother, because we have the same tendencies. For my part, I don't usually eat M&M's unless I've put them into color groups first, I prefer to have things in even numbers, I have an alphabetized (and numbered) list of all the movies I own, and I get twitchy if my kids' toys aren't grouped/put away in exactly the same spot every single day. These are just a few examples...there are lots and lots (and lots and lots) more.

Stay away from me. I'm dangerously freakish.