Clovers for Collins

Those of you that read my blog frequently might remember my posting about my friend Nikki. The two of us, along with 27 other women, met because we were expecting babies at the same time, and we forged a friendship and lasting emotional bond. We are all very close. None of us knew how badly she would be needing our support and love. She had a baby boy about a week after Anna was born, but he only lived for 37 hours due to a very rare lung condition that could not be detected during pregnancy. If you would like to read a brief version of Nikki's story about her baby boy, Collins, you can find it here. His mother has a symbol for him, something to hold on to, something to remind her of her baby boy. It's a clover.

Within our little community of mothers, we decided that we wanted to do something in memory of Collins. What could be a more appropriate time than the upcoming St. Patrick's Day holiday? This is where you guys come in.

The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization is a non-profit group of photographers that work nationwide within hospitals, serving grieving families. They provide a private portrait session and retouched photos at no charge, as an outreach to those that have lost a baby. This can do so much for the healing process, and NILMDTS is an extremely worthy cause to support.

We have recently launched a Clovers for Collins Facebook page. For a $5 donation, you can choose from several clovers, handmade by the girls in our group. Each one is unique, and there is a lot of love put into them all. Every penny of our profits will be donated to NILMDTS in Collins' memory. Please, please consider making a donation today, and spread the word to others. This is something we have put our whole hearts into, and it is so meaningful.

If you have children, please give them extra hugs and kisses.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day 2011

Some of you saw my post from last year about this day. We lost three babies in 2010: one in February, one in April, and one in July. I have never experienced heartbreak like that, and I would love nothing more than for every woman in the world to be spared from going through it as well. The horrible reality is, however, that 1 in 4 women will suffer some sort of infant loss, be it a miscarriage, a stillbirth, or the passing of their newborn baby.

One year later, I feel as though God has really brought healing to my body and my mind. I was holding Anna the other day, watching her sleep, when I was hit with a sudden thought. If any of those other babies had survived, she would never have been born. I wouldn't have my precious baby girl, who I love more than anything. It doesn't ease the sting of the losses, but I am so incredibly grateful for the gift that we've been given. It is just another lesson in timing: that God's timing is most definitely not the same as our timing. Even if we don't like what we're going through, and even if we don't understand it, He knows the purpose, and that's all that matters.

So, again, I'm dedicating this post to my babies. My four living babies, who bless me daily, and my three babies in Heaven that I hope to meet one day.

 For my February, April, and July 2010 Babies.

Mommy loved you from the moment you were created!

Thank you

Just wanted to write a quick thank you to all those that expressed their condolences, called, messaged or e-mailed, or came to visit us following my Aunt Lisa's passing. We appreciate and love you all so much. She touched so many lives - many more than we realized! We've heard so many beautiful stories about her in the past few days, and that has really helped us cope. I know my aunt was a Christian, and I have no doubt that she is with our Savior today! It's such an amazing feeling to know that we'll be seeing her again someday!

Again, thank you all...we love you. 

Lisa Ann White

February 7, 1962 - September 29, 2011

Life cut short

My Aunt Lisa passed away early this morning, very suddenly. She was only 49 years old. I would really appreciate thoughts and prayers for my family, particularly my grandparents, as we go through this time. She was such a sweet lady and will be missed.

A Tragedy: Part Two

Wednesday, September 7th, Day Four: 

The kids and I were seriously stir-crazy, so we decided to go into Austin to visit the Alexanders. Once we walked outside, we were choked by all the smoke in the air. The wind had died down significantly overnight, so the air was filled with smoke and haze. When we arrived in Austin, we could still smell it. It just seemed to be everywhere and there was no getting away from it. We heard reports about people needing to buy masks to wear when they left their houses. Yuck.

We received word that the Alexanders' house was fine, and that was a huge relief. Many of the houses in their neighborhood had burned to the ground, but theirs was saved. We we were starting to hear some good news about the fires. It seemed like there was a chance to try to extinguish some of the flames since the wind wasn't going to be a factor. The only problem with the lack of wind was that the flames could move wherever they wanted. The next thing we heard was that another part of the State Park was burning in the opposite direction, and it was moving back toward the highway, headed in the direction of our subdivision. Of course, these were all random tidbits of information, and we weren't sure about the accuracy, so we didn't know how concerned to be.

The fire in Cedar Creek (near the Alexanders' house) was beginning to be contained by the end of the day, and it looked promising that people could start returning to their homes even as early as the following day. Finally, some good news!

Thursday, September 8th, Day Five: 

More good news. The fire started to calm down a bit, and the fire crews reported some containment! Also, the Alexanders got to return to their house, which was STILL THERE and untouched!

We continued to watch the news, and there was a much-changed attitude around town. Things shifted from "panic" to "saddened." The town took a deep breath and looked around at the aftermath. We started to hear reports of people we knew that had lost everything they had. There were stories circulating of people running from their houses as the flames licked at their back porches, of people driving away from their home to evacuate as fire engulfed both sides of the road. I'm not sure how much is real, as the stories have probably picked up a few embellishments, but I wouldn't be surprised if they were all true, based on the images we've seen.

Our house was still without electricity, so we stayed with my parents one more night. Nathan had returned to the house several times throughout the week, just to check on things and make sure that there weren't any problems. We were also in touch with our neighbor, who was keeping an eye on the house and waiting for power to be restored to our neighborhood.

Friday, September 9th, Day Six: 

We learned that our house finally had power late Thursday night, and we were super excited to get home! Mom and Dad said that the kids could stay with them for one more night to give us a chance to unpack, minus distractions. I also had a massive amount of food to return to the freezer and refrigerator. Packing up everything to go home was a project, let me tell you. However, while I was thinking about how great it would be to get to sleep in my own bed and shower in my own bathroom, I was reminded that many of our friends were no so fortunate. I felt so guilty.

The kids and I went out to see the Alexanders, and I brought my camera. This is the street leading to their home. The house is situated almost directly behind the unburned area on the right side, at the back. So close.

Nathan and I were able to go home that evening, and it was really good to see that everything was okay. I was still a little paranoid about being there, but it turned out to be just fine, and we managed to get a good night's sleep.

Since then, the fire situation has continued to improve, and people are gradually being allowed to visit their neighborhoods and survey the damages. My heart really goes out to them as they are grieving, and I wish them the best as they decide how to rebuild their homes and their lives.

When photos and maps of the damaged areas began to surface, I realized just how close we came to being a part of this tragedy. If the wind had shifted just the slightest, our house would have seriously been in jeopardy.

See the red circle off to the left? That's where our house sits.

The latest summary I've seen (dated 9/13/11):
Acres: 34,068 Total 

Start date of fire: September 4, 2011
Cause: Under investigation 

Location: 6 miles northeast of Bastrop, Texas
Containment: 70% (Bastrop Fire), 90% (Union Chapel Fire)

Fuels: Timber/residential area

Total personnel: 1210
Resources: 21 crews, 131 engines, 4 helicopters, 8 water tenders, 9 dozers

Even though this fire is over now, Texas is still in a great deal of danger. We haven't had any rain, and the weather forecasts don't really lead me to believe that we're getting any soon. Flash fires and hot spots continue to flare up around town, and other fires are burning throughout the state. What do the next few weeks hold? We need to pray for rain. We really, really need to pray for rain. I don't think anyone wants to see something like this happen again.

A Tragedy: Part One

I was reminded this past week just how easily our lives can change. In a split second, everything that you have can be taken away, and you’re left with fragments of memories. It was a good lesson in prioritizing and in realizing what is really important in life. 

Bastrop, Texas is now a topic on the national news. We’ve made history here, having just survived one of the largest wildfires in history. It was truly terrifying, and I hope I never see anything remotely like it again in my life. I’ve seen way too many movies, and they can’t even begin to scratch the surface of the horror my town experienced. It’s much worse in real life than on a screen, trust me.

Sunday, September 4^th, Day One: 

Nathan was invited to go to a cook-off at the Fayette County Fair, so he wasn’t home. The kids and I had been at my parents’ church for a visit that morning, and then we came home to take naps and wait for Daddy’s return. While they were sleeping, the phone rang. It was my associate pastor, wanting to know if Nathan was home, and if he could ride a motorcycle. Apparently, there was a fire near a church member’s house, and he was out of town. Someone was needed to try and rescue his motorcycle, because it was very likely that his house was not going to be saved. I made a couple of phone calls, and then my pastor said he would try to get someone, so I put it out of mind. I had no clue that incident was just the beginning.

A few hours later, the horror began to unfold. People started posting updates on Facebook, and I started getting e-mails about the fire’s location, and the fact that it was burning rapidly and out of control. I also realized that it was only miles from my house, and I started to panic. I was home alone with four kids, and there is only one exit from our subdivision. My neighbor came over and told me that it would be a good idea to get some things together in case we had to evacuate our home. My brain raced. What should I grab? What couldn’t be replaced? I make a habit of backing up all the pictures and data on our computer to an external hard drive, so I did another back-up, just to make sure everything was there. Then, I grabbed two boxes full of photos, all my scrapbooks and albums, and my box of keepsakes that my mom saved from when I was younger. I had some clothing for myself and for the kids, and chose one stuffed toy for each of them to take. I’m surprised I was thinking clearly enough to do that well, considering how terrified I was.

The fire jumped Highway 71 a little later, and I heard that they had closed the road completely to traffic. Nathan was on the other side. I wondered how he was going to get home, and started to be really worried. I needed him with me, to help calm me down. When I finally got in touch with him, he told me that he was headed back another way, and that he would be there soon. Once he got home, we decided to send the kids over to my parents’ house (which is in the middle of town), just to keep them safe and make things a lot less hectic for us if we ended up having to leave the house quickly in the middle of the night. We waited it out. 

When we went outside after dark, the whole sky was burning orange. We could literally see the glow from the flames spanning the landscape, and the smoke was intense. It was terrifying. 

Not from my house, but this is what it looked like outside.

Nathan went to bed, but I couldn’t sleep. What if they came to evacuate us and we didn’t hear them? Would they know we were there? I sat in my recliner, next to the front door, and barely dozed the whole night long. We didn’t really know what was going on outside, other than the scattered reports we were getting online.

Monday, September 5th, Day Two:  

I headed over to my parents’ house to be with the kids. Unbelievable. It literally looked like the town was burning to the ground. The wind was so strong I couldn’t imagine how the firefighters could even begin to get control. We kept watching the news, hearing about more and more evacuations and neighborhoods on fire. Reports were coming in that the firefighters couldn't do much to contain the blaze because of the high winds, and that they were just letting it burn rather than getting in front of it and dying.

The Cedar Creek fire broke out that day, while Nathan was working out at his parents’ house in Bluebonnet Acres. I was talking to him on the phone, telling him that I would feel more comfortable if he left the area, he told me that the State Troopers were driving through the neighborhood at that very minute, evacuating everyone. I think the Alexanders had less than ten minutes to gather some things and run out the door. We were scared, not only for their house, but for their garage, in which resides Nathan’s entire cabinet business: all his tools and equipment, everything. The Alexanders went to Austin to stay with Nathan's aunt, and we all just waited some more. It seemed pretty certain that they were going to lose their house. Nathan came to my parents' to be with us.

I told Nathan that I was too afraid to go home. He went back to the house to make sure everything was okay, and ended up spending the night there (with no electricity). That was only the second night we’ve spent apart in our entire married life.

Tuesday, September 6th, Day Three: 

I had a doctor’s appointment in Austin in the afternoon, and Nathan had to go look at a possible cabinet job, so we all piled into the car and headed out. We had some time to kill, so we took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese’s and let them play a little. It was nice to feel almost “normal” for a few minutes, and then the phone rang. We heard a rumor that our subdivision might be evacuated soon, and Nathan freaked out and wanted to go back home. We literally grabbed the kids and ran out to the car so we could speed back to Bastrop. Nathan dropped us all off at my parents’ and went to our house. He was gone a long time, getting some more things out of the house and moving vehicles and trailers. We never got an official evacuation, but at least we were very ready, just in case. I cancelled my doctor’s appointment. We just waited some more, watching for any news that it might be heading our way.

At one point, the wind was so bad that the smoke looked like it was boiling in the sky. I managed to get a short video from my parents’ driveway. It really seemed like the fire was going to be at their house at any minute because it was so huge. I was thinking about all the friends that we had whose houses were in danger, or who had already lost their homes. Absolutely heartbreaking.

We were never evacuated, and were so thankful, but it was still too close. Until the firefighters were able to get some control, I wasn't comfortable returning home with my kids. Also, we had no power. No electricity meant no hot water, no appliances, no air conditioning, and no lights. Nathan pulled all the food out of our freezer and some of the things from the refrigerator and brought them to my parents’.

More waiting. This was, by far, the worst day of the fire. I saw so many incredible pictures popping up online, and I stole saved a few, since I wasn't brave enough to get out and take my own.

The Austin skyline.

Our local fire department.

Truly horrifying.

For Nikki

TRIGGER: This is sad, and deals with pregnancy and infant loss.

When I was pregnant with Anna, I randomly joined an online "birth club" on BabyCenter, mostly to get support from other mothers that were all due in May 2011. I was extremely nervous about the pregnancy after three back-to-back miscarriages, and thought that it might make the time pass a little more quickly and it would alleviate some of my anxiety. I didn't really think I'd be visiting the group much, and I certainly didn't expect to make any "friends" online. Boy, was I wrong.

From a group that had thousands of members, some of us branched off into our own little unit (I think there might have been around 80, originally). We were the "sarcastic moms," the ones that didn't sugarcoat everything and liked to laugh at life. Others were rubbed the wrong way by some of our remarks on the conversation threads, so we founded our own spinoff group, pleasantly devoid of unicorns and rainbows.

This group eventually became even smaller, and we migrated over to Facebook, where we currently live, in a private group. We've been through several group name changes and managed to pick up a few nicknames. There are 35 of us now, and we have become the best of friends. We've shared everything together, and we are each involved in the intimate details of the others' lives. It's incredible! We complained about pregnancy aches and pains together ("No, you don't look horrible - you're glowing!"), and sat on the edge of our seats as we waited for ultrasound pictures, test results, gender announcements, and eventual delivery of our babies. We rallied support for one of our members that delivered her daughter at only 26 weeks, and cheered her on as we watched her grow for months in the NICU. As details of labors and deliveries came flooding in, we all celebrated together and gushed over adorable baby photos. We all had a "birth buddy," someone to call or text when we were in labor or when our baby was born, and they were supposed to update the rest of the group with details. (My birth buddy and I ended up delivering on the same exact day, even though we were due at different times!) Basically, we are very, very close. You can laugh all you want about making "friends" over the internet, but I trust these ladies and love them all dearly.

One of our girls did not get to bring her baby home with her, and it wasn't because he was still being cared for at the hospital. It was because he passed away the day after he was born. The shock wave that passed through our group was unbelievable. Many of us had still not delivered, so we were hit with a hard, ugly reality. Our hearts broke collectively, and we struggled with finding the right words and actions. She shared pictures with us, taken by the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization. Such a beautiful, perfect baby boy.

Nikki has chosen to share her story on a public site called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Her strength has completely overwhelmed me. I hope I never have to experience anything like what Nikki has been through, but if I do, I pray that I could go through it with even a fraction of the courage that she possesses. Let me encourage you to go and read the events that transpired around the time of Collins' birth. However, I will also caution you: it is extremely heart-wrenching and hard to read. Those of you that are expecting babies right now (Abigail and especially Erin) might not want to visit the site.

Nikki's story is here.

The most amazing thing about this story? Well, Nikki has taken her grief and done something truly incredible. She's crocheting hundreds of baby hats to donate to NICU babies and to NILMDTS. Some of her hats are the absolute most adorable things I've ever seen in my life, and I'm really envious of her talent! Caps from Collins is a relatively new project, but it's off to an explosive start! Please, please go check our the Facebook page, and see how much love went into all those little hats. And if any of you knit or crochet, maybe you'll want to make a few hats or blankets to donate? :)

I love you, Nikki! I think about you and baby Collins every single day, and you're always in my prayers.