Matthew's Birth Story, Part Four: Recovery and Going Home!

The second day of Matthew's life brought some great news! Nathan had gone home that morning to do some things, so I was on my own. I went down to the NICU about 9:00 that morning to check on Matthew and be there for his next feeding, and the nurse greeted me with a big smile. The first words out of her mouth were,

"Do you want to hold him?"

"WHAT?! Really?! I can hold my baby?!"

I was so excited! They had taken the feeding tube out and had Matthew on IV fluids only, but they told me that I could try to nurse him if I wanted to. One of the requirements for his discharge would be that he take all feedings by mouth, rather than through the tube, so they were really trying to get him to eat. They also wanted me to have the chance to do some kangaroo care (skin-to-skin cuddle time) with him to help with his body temperature and respiratory issues. I wasn't complaining!

 Mommy and Matthew - Day Two!

It was a little awkward to try to hold him with all the tubes and wires everywhere, and I was worried that I was going to accidentally mess something up or pull something out.  The nurse was kind enough to offer to take a picture for me, and I really appreciated it so much. Then, I got the chance to try to breastfeed him, which made me so, so happy.

I spent as much time with Matthew as I could. Walking back and forth from the NICU to my room got a little redundant (as did washing my hands 400 times a day). I would walk down there, spend an hour or more there with Matthew, and then walk back to my room. He was on a strict feeding schedule, and was eating every three hours, and I was trying to make a point to be there for each feeding, if possible. By the time I finished pumping or whatever else I had to do (fill out birth certificate paperwork, get my vitals checked, meet with the OB or the pediatrician, sign a million consent forms for a ton of different things, have a quick meal, call or text people to let them know what was going on...), it was time to walk back down there again. Now, I know the nurses and doctors were there, caring for him non-stop, but I'm Matthew's mother, and I wanted to do as much as I could. I needed to feel like I was contributing to his healing, and I didn't want to be in a hospital room alone all day long with nothing to do except focus on my own anxiety.

For some reason, this sign always made me feel nervous.

And it never really got easier to walk into the unit and see my baby surrounded by so much...stuff.

The best news of the day came that afternoon. They were still doing periodic x-rays of Matthew's lungs, and they had done one that morning. On one of my trips to see Matthew, the doctor came over to tell me that the pneumothorax (the hole in Matthew's lung) had completely resolved! It was gone! Wooooohooooo!

That afternoon, Nathan came back to the hospital and my parents brought the kids up to see me. We did take Ethan and Zoe down to the NICU to see their little brother, but it was a huge ordeal. We had to present their shot records for review before they were allowed to go back, and they had to scrub just like the adults. Also, they could only go in one at a time for fifteen minutes each. Poor Nicholas wasn't able to go because there was a vaccination that wasn't written down on his shot record. We decided not to take Anna because she's still so little.

Later that day, we had some other visitors. Joseph and Marissa came with their kiddos, and John and Sharon were there, too. It made me feel better to see everyone, and when they left it was kind of depressing. John bought us dinner from a local Mexican restaurant and brought in a huge (very yummy) chocolate cake.

By the time the next morning (Monday, the 7th) rolled around, he was still improving. The doctor had issued orders during the night to reduce the amount of oxygen he was breathing and also to reduce the flow, and his oxygen saturation numbers had been stable for more than 12 hours. This meant that Matthew was starting to be able to breathe better without help, and those breaths that he was taking were effectively getting oxygen into his system. All good news! 

When I went to visit later that afternoon, I got two more surprises!

No nasal cannula and no IV!

Matthew was happy about it, too. :)

At this point, we were just watching him to make sure that he was going to be completely stable without any help. His respiratory rate was close to normal, his heart rate was fine, he was taking all feedings by mouth, he no longer needed oxygen, he didn't need IV fluids anymore, and his body temperature and blood sugar were normal and being regulated as they should be. I couldn't believe how much progress he had made in just two short days! It was really looking possible that we could be bringing him home very soon, but I tried not to get my hopes up. I wanted him to be completely well before they let him leave, and I knew that only time would tell us if he had totally healed.

That day was kind of awkward for me. I was being discharged from the hospital, but Matthew wasn't. No one seemed to know if I was going to be able to stay there an extra day and be with him, and it took forever for anyone to make a final decision. At some point during the day, my nurse came to tell me that I was definitely going to be discharged, but they were going to let me stay in my room, as a courtesy, for as long as Matthew was still in the NICU, since he was expected to go home soon. I was staying there, and could still receive meals and use the little mini-kitchens they have available for patients, but I could no longer receive medication, sanitary supplies, or medical attention from the nurses. No one was going to come into my room to check on me anymore. I didn't have any access to anything outside the hospital and I didn't have a vehicle there, so I went off meds without any choice. Luckily, I was feeling pretty good and wasn't having much pain.

I have to say, though, that night was a little scary. I was in the hospital, but it was more like a twisted hotel visit. There were so many familiar-yet-scary noises in the hallways, people were always shuffling around, and I was still restricted by a lot of the hospital rules, but I wasn't really "there" anymore. Nathan was at home with the other kids, so I spent that night alone. I tried to avoid being freaked out by staying with Matthew as much as I could. Those NICU nurses probably thought I was clingy, but I couldn't help it. At that point, the NICU was much less freaky than my empty, dark hospital room. All the walking back and forth was really taking its toll on me, however, and I was starting to have some pain. I just had to deal with it, though, because there wasn't a way for me to get any medication. I wanted to go home!!

Tuesday morning (the 8th), I walked into the NICU and saw this:

A big boy bed!!

Matthew was still doing well and totally stable! I waited around for his doctor to come through and talk with me, but he was doing rounds at another hospital. So, I just hung out there for a while with my baby, and then went in search of a quick breakfast. Seriously, the waiting was horrible! Also, there were a couple of other things that needed to happen before Matthew could go home. First of all, we wanted to have him circumsized, but they couldn't do that until he was stable, so it hadn't happened yet. I received word that my OB was on his way over to do the procedure later that afternoon. Also, Matthew needed to have his hearing screened before he could go home.

Just before lunch, Matthew's doctor called my room and told me the best news ever. Matthew was going home! THAT AFTERNOON!! The doctor was almost as excited as I was, and he promised to come and see us again before Matthew "graduated."

I was so thrilled and so ready to leave with my baby!  I ran around my room, packing up all my things and gathering everything that we needed to take with us. I knew I couldn't take it all with me to the NICU, so I put it all in a pile so we could come back and get it later.

Dr. P came that afternoon and did Matthew's circumcision. I happened to arrive at the NICU just after they had taken him for the procedure, so I spent some more time just waiting. I sent Nathan a message to let him know that we were close, and he started heading back up to the hospital to come and get us. Almost immediately after it was over, a woman showed up to do his hearing screen. At that point, we were just minutes away from being able to leave!

 Matthew's last NICU picture!

Nathan got there, grabbed my stuff from my room, brought the car seat into the NICU, and we were ready to load up our sweet baby and go! At that point, Matthew's doctor came back and saw us. He was so happy that we were able to leave, and asked us if we had any final questions for him. His exact words were, "All of the things that brought Matthew to the NICU are completely resolved, and I have no doubt that he is completely, 100% better." Talk about a huge relief! Hearing that, and knowing that I didn't have to be afraid to take my baby home, helped me to relax to the point that I was almost in tears.

We walked out of there minutes later, carrying our precious baby boy! My heart was bursting, it was so full!

Of course, we had to go and pick up the other kids from the Alexanders' house. We hadn't told them whether or not Matthew was going to come home, and we wanted it to be a surprise. They were definitely surprised! There was a lot of excitement in that house, for sure! The cutest reaction came from Anna. I was certain that she would be upset or unsure about the baby, because she's too young to really understand and she's very attached to me. I didn't need to worry at all. She practically jumped out of her chair and was screaming, "Baby! Baby brother! New baby! Look, Daddy, new baby!!"

 She is so proud of her new brother!

As of today, two weeks later, Matthew is doing just fine. He hasn't had any complications or issues relating to the problems that landed him in the NICU, and it thrills me to see how well he is! He's nursing like a champ, which means we haven't had to use any more formula or bottles, and I got to stop pumping! Yay!

We know how lucky we are to have a healthy baby, and are so thankful that he is better. Things could have gone much differently and could have been so much worse! We are very appreciative of all the doctors and nurses at the hospital who were so instrumental in his healing.

Matthew's Birth Story, Part Three: Complications

Although Matthew's birth had been very fast, it was a perfect experience and there were no complications. Everything seemed to be just fine!

After the nurses' initially assessed Matthew, they noticed that he was grunting, which can be a sign of respiratory issues. It was assumed that he had aspirated some amniotic fluid (and also some meconium, since he'd had a bowel movement in utero), and the quick delivery didn't help because he didn't spend enough time in the birth canal to get it all squeezed out of his lungs. The nurses tried to suction him out really well to help him breathe more easily.

They watched him for a minute or two, and then told me that they would like to put him on my chest for some skin-to-skin contact, to see if that would help him come around a little bit. So, I took him, even though I was still feeling very shaky and weak, and I wasn't sure how well I could hold him. I asked Nathan to stay close to me in case I lost my grip or something. Matthew was crying a bit, I could feel his rapid and shallow breathing, and I could hear him grunting.

I had about fifteen or twenty minutes with him before the nurses took him again and said they wanted to try and suction him again to see if it would help. So, he was out of my arms again. They had him under the warmer and were working with him a little bit, but the decision was finally made to take him to the nursery for closer monitoring. Everyone was acting like it wasn't a big deal, so I didn't think much about it or that he might be in danger. Nathan went with him, so I was left in the room all by myself.

A little while later, Nathan sent me a text message to tell me that Matthew was being moved to the NICU so they could watch him better. The rational part of me knew that if it was truly a big deal, there would have been a major scramble to get him there immediately after he was born. The irrational, postpartum, hormonal part of me was intensely freaking out. Of course, all the worst-case scenarios came quickly to my mind, and I was a bundle of nerves. There wasn't anything I could do, either, because I couldn't get up and around yet and no one was in the room with me. The only thought that kept crossing my mind was that if anything happened to Matthew, if he died, I barely got to hold him at all. I felt so racked with guilt for not paying closer attention to him when he was in my arms, it almost made me sick. How could I have taken those moments for granted? Was I being overdramatic? Maybe, but I couldn't think about anything else. I sat there and struggled to remember exactly how he felt when he was against me, how he smelled, and every little sound that he made.

Nathan came back when they were getting ready to move me to a room in the mother/baby area of the hospital, and told me that he had spoken with Matthew's doctor in the NICU. He seemed encouraging and very nice, and it put my mind at ease a little bit to hear that. There were more issues affecting our baby than we originally thought, but he was being closely monitored.

The NICU charge nurse came in to talk with us both before they moved me, just to give us some information about that area of the hospital, and to be sure that we knew to contact her if we had any questions or problems. Listening to her talking about the NICU made me worry a bit more, because it seemed like Matthew was in a much more serious situation than we originally thought.

Once I was in a room, had spoken with my nurse for the afternoon, and had been up and around a little bit, I was cleared to head down to the NICU to see my baby. Nathan warned me that it was scary. Matthew was hooked up to all kinds of monitors, they had put in a feeding tube, and there was constant noise from alarms. I was scared. I'd never been in a NICU before, and I think it would be upsetting enough to visit one even if your baby wasn't a patient there. As we walked through the hallways and got closer, I became a nervous wreck. I wasn't sure I liked the idea of going in there, but I desperately wanted to see my baby!

Before going in, you have to do a three-minute scrub at a huge, stainless steel sink - something like a surgeon's scrub before surgery. It was weird to have to sanitize myself before visiting my own child. I understood that it wasn't just for my baby, but for the health and safety of the other babies as well. Scrubbing around my IV/saline lock and the four thousand hospital bracelets was a little tough, though.

When we went inside, Matthew was the first baby in the unit to the left. I wasn't totally prepared for what I saw.

My poor little baby.

He looked so helpless and fragile.

Nathan and I stood there with him for a while, because his nurse was busy with another baby, and all we could do was just touch his back and the top of his head. I was watching him breath, and it was so rapid - it really scared me. His whole body was shaking with the effort to get any air. Hearing multiple alarms going off at any given moment, smelling all the different smells in the NICU, listening to the doctors and nurses chattering, trying to figure out what all the numbers on Matthew's screen meant, wondering if my baby was going to come home with us...I was completely overwhelmed. It was too much. And I couldn't pick him up. It was like I had to wait to ask permission to be close to my baby boy, and I wasn't sure what to do with myself. I just stood there in my hospital gown, a total emotional mess.

Finally, the nurse came over to sit down and talk with us about Matthew and all the things that were going on. The first thing she did was tell us that we really shouldn't be touching him. Yes, you read that correctly. We got reprimanded for touching our baby. Now, I know there was a good reason for that (and I'll get into that in a moment), but it really, really upset me a lot. We were allowed to put our hand on his head, but we couldn't rub him or stroke him at all, because it could wake him up, get him excited, and cause him to move around a lot, and they didn't want him to do that. They wanted him to be still and sleep so he could heal.

She told us about all the monitors and things, and what each was for. She explained the numbers as well, and told us the normal ranges for oxygen saturation, respiratory rate, and heart rate. She told us about the oxygen he was receiving through his nasal cannula, explained "flow" to us, and told us what "room air" was. It was nice to have some factual information, but it didn't really make me feel any better.

We got the basic rundown on his condition, which was the following:

1. Matthew had fluid in his lungs (aspirated anmiotic fluid/meconium). His lungs were "sticky" as a result of that, making it difficult to breathe. 

2. He was retracting (he was struggling to take a breath and get his lungs to reopen after he would exhale - you could see him working to inhale because the skin would be pulled tight against his lungs and on his throat).

3. He had a very high respiratory rate (he was having to work really hard to get oxygen and couldn't get his lungs to open well, so he sped up the number of breaths he was taking to compensate). Normal RR for newborns is about 30-60 (I think?), and Matthew's was initially in the 130's and higher.

4. He wasn't getting enough oxygen and had low saturation numbers (for the breaths he was taking, he just wasn't taking in enough oxygen to allow his body to function as it was supposed to, so his oxygen saturation numbers were dropping). 

5. He had a pneumothorax (a hole or tear in one of his lungs from some unknown cause, leaking air into the chest cavity). This showed up on the chest x-rays they did in the NICU, but they weren't sure about the cause. It could have been from Matthew struggling to breathe, or it could have been caused by the meconium (which can cause a sort of chemical burn to the inside of an infant's lungs if inhaled).
6. His blood sugar was low (no big deal and easily resolved, but they still had to watch it).

7. He wasn't maintaining his own body temperature (it was too low, and he had to be under a warmer until it leveled off).

Matthew couldn't be held or touched very much, and they were really limiting his contact with people and trying to keep him quiet. They were afraid if he got excited or started to cry, the pneumothorax would get bigger and he'd have more problems. If too much air leaked into his chest cavity, they would have to insert a needle to allow it to escape. 

The whole time the nurse was talking with us, I was crying. I'm sure she was used to seeing that, but I felt like a huge fool. Honestly, the struggles that Matthew was having were nothing in comparison to some that other families have to deal with, and I felt slightly selfish for being so upset when my child's prognosis was actually very good. However, I had just given birth to him, and I wanted to snuggle him and feed him. This was not how I expected things to be at all, and I was dealing with that, emotionally. 

Matthew's doctor came over at that point to talk with us, and he was an angel, I swear. He was so, so sweet, and he really put my mind at ease very quickly. Basically, he said something like, "All these things are fixable. He's going to be just FINE, eventually. It's just a matter of how long it takes to get there. But don't worry - he's in good hands." 

I told the nurses that I was totally fine with formula feeding, pacifiers, and anything else that they thought he might need to get better. I wanted to breastfeed, obviously, but they wanted his blood sugar to come up, which meant he had to eat something (and my milk wouldn't be in for a couple of days, most likely). I resolved to start pumping as soon as I could to try to get my milk to come in so that I would have a chance at nursing.

We went back to my room, where I finally ordered something to eat (I hadn't had any food all day long and it was already almost dinnertime). Nathan was really encouraging to me, and reinforced all the things the doctor told us to try and calm my worries. It was weird and depressing to be sitting in a mother/baby room, with no baby. I couldn't even care for my baby at that point, so I just had to sit there with nothing to do. We both agreed that the kids shouldn't come up and visit, even though I missed them like crazy and wanted to see them, because it would be hard to explain what was happening and why they couldn't see their brother. I didn't want them to be scared or upset. My parents were taking care of them at that point, and I knew they would do a great job of explaining the situation to them in a way they could understand.

I was feeling pretty good, physically. I was a little sore and cramping a bit, and I did end up tearing during delivery, so my stitches were a little tender. Other than that, I felt okay. Nathan was filling me in on all the things that happened during delivery, and it was good for a laugh or two. Apparently, I managed to spray the OB with all kinds of wonderful "birthing fluids," and she had to go home and change her clothes! Haha! Is it really awful that I didn't feel that badly about it, because she was a little, um, rude? :) Also, I apparently shot blood across the L&D room and hit the wall. Oops!

The rest of the night was filled with restless sleep, random trips to the NICU to check on Matthew, pumping, and lots of visits from nurses and other random hospital staff. As much as I tried to relax, I just couldn't. I wasn't sure what was going to happen next.

Matthew's Birth Story, Part Two: He's Here!

Nathan and I woke up at around 6:00 or so on Saturday, the 5th. I was getting ready to head to the grocery store to pick up some last-minute inventory items, with the thought that no one would feel like running out to grab anything once the baby was born. Starting at around 7:00, I started having those very familiar Braxton Hicks contractions very regularly. I told Nathan, and he and I both thought I should wait it out, because we were already told that prodromal labor can come and go and last for a long time. Until things intensified significantly, I decided to stay at home and see what would happen. I figured my body was just messing with me again, and I knew better than to get my hopes up.

After waiting a while, I noticed that the contractions were getting a lot more intense. I finally told Nathan that we should probably just go ahead and head to the hospital, just in case, because I didn't want to have the baby at home. I was really hesitant, because I didn't want to spend another day in L&D for something that was just a false alarm. After going back and forth about it for a little bit, we got into Nathan's truck and started the drive to Austin. 

Once we were about halfway there, I realized that the trip would not be a wasted one. In fact, the closer we got to the hospital, the more terrified I became, because everything was starting to get extremely painful and really intense very, very quickly. I was desperately watching the road and all the familiar landmarks, mentally checking them off as we drove, thinking, "Okay, we're getting closer. Okay, that's another five miles." When Nathan pulled up to the entrance to the Women's Center and I got out of the truck, I almost burst into tears with pure relief. I didn't even wait for Nathan to go park the truck. I went inside, took the elevator, and marched myself into L&D as quickly as I could. I was met by two nurses who took one look at me and immediately ushered me into a room and started getting everything ready. It was a great relief to be in an actual room and know that this time was the real deal.

We arrived at the hospital around 9:00 a.m.

Getting into the hospital gown was interesting. I'm sure that it would have been hilarious if someone had been watching. It was like a strange, painful version of Bathroom Twister or something. Shirt off...contraction...pants off...contraction..."Where'd I put the gown?"...contraction..."How am I going to get my shoes off?"...contraction...

Once I was in the bed, one of the nurses started on my IV very quickly. I was Group B Strep positive this pregnancy, so they wanted to get antibiotics into my system as soon as they could. Meanwhile, the other nurse (who was my nurse through this whole experience), Cyndi, was trying to get things in place for delivery. She asked me if I wanted an epidural. My answer was, "OH, YES! But I don't think I'll have time to get one." Normally, the nurses are a little condescending and tend to think that their patients are being dramatic. Cyndi wasn't like that at all. She was a huge advocate for me throughout the entire delivery and she really listened to me. She said, "This is your fifth baby, and you probably know better than anyone how this is going to be." I appreciated it so much! Anyway, after she asked about the epidural, she told me that she would go ahead and start pushing some fluids into my system and get my labwork out so we could get it going as soon as possible. I knew it was going to take a while, so I didn't get my hopes up at all. Once the IV was all hooked up and the juices were flowing, Cyndi checked me to see how far I had progressed. I was already at 7 cm. at that point, only about 2 hours into labor.

Another thirty minutes of contractions or so, and Cyndi told me that my labwork came back just fine and I was all clear to have the epidural if I wanted one. Of course I did, but I knew that I probably didn't have a realistic shot at it. I was in too much pain, and the contractions were coming almost right on top of one another. I had to be close. I asked her to go ahead and get everything ready, but wondered whether she might go ahead and check me again before actually calling anyone. So, she brought in the anesthesiologist's cart and got ready to check me again. Yep...I was at 9 cm. No time for drugs! I asked her if we could go ahead and break my water so we could just get to pushing. She had no problem with that at all. I told her that I was worried that it would all happen very quickly, so she probably should page the on-call OB and tell them to start heading this way. (Dr. P was in Colorado during this time, skiing. What a turd!)  Apparently, the OB that was taking care of all Dr. P's patients didn't think there was any reason to rush, and she said to just give her another ring when I was ready. Cyndi said, "Well, I delivered a baby last week, and I'll do it again if I need to!" So, she got ready to break my water. I didn't even know that the nurses could do that, because I've only ever had a doctor do it (and it broke on its own when Anna was born).

So, Cyndi came over and broke my water. Boom. This is the part where the details get fuzzy. My pain level went from "ouch, ouch, ouch...that really hurts" to "oh, sweet baby Jesus, I'm being run over by a freight train and burned alive!!" in about two seconds. I remember her saying something about how I still had a tiny bit of cervix left that she was pushing aside, but all the pain melted together and I didn't notice anything specific. Suddenly, I wanted to push more than anything I've ever experienced. The OB was apparently coming into the room and getting ready, but I didn't feel like waiting for her to finish messing around (especially since she took her sweet time getting there in the first place). I announced loudly that I was going to push, and someone better get ready to catch the baby.

I had my eyes closed, so I don't really know what happened, specifically. I just pushed as hard as I could. That "ring of fire" thing is no joke, by the way. Holy OUCH. I know that his head was delivered with one huge push, and then the OB told me to stop pushing so she could deliver his shoulders. Then, with one small push, he was out.

They handed him to me immediately, and I held him for a couple of minutes, but I didn't really trust my arms at that point, because I started shaking uncontrollably and couldn't stop it. I was afraid I was going to drop him! Daddy cut the cord and we just took a second to enjoy the fact that he was finally here with us!

The nurses took him and started to clean him up, assess him, and take all the measurements, and Daddy got the camera ready. We didn't have any pictures up until this point because of how quickly everything moved.

Matthew James Alexander

1/5/13 - 10:06 a.m.

8 pounds - 21 inches long

He seemed really great, and I asked the nurses if he was okay. I could hear him crying, so I knew that he was breathing, and he was very pink. His Apgar scores were great (9/9, I believe), and everything seemed to be just fine. A few minutes later, though, things changed a little bit.

Matthew's Birth Story, Part One: Prelude to A Baby

I guess the true beginning of this story took place on New Year's Eve/New Year's Day. I was feeling extremely uncomfortable that evening, and Nathan and I were just chilling on the couch, watching a movie together. I was having consistent Braxton Hicks contractions that were getting intense, so I started walking around and changing positions to see if they would stop. They didn't. I went into the bedroom, lay down on my side, and started timing them. They seemed very regular, so after a couple of hours, I told Nathan that I would feel better if we went into Austin. My last labor was so quick that I was afraid to be at home much longer, as I knew things could progress very, very quickly.

So, we started the trip into Austin just as the New Year came in, watching fireworks explode in the sky as we were driving down the highway. We checked into L&D, I was hooked up to monitors, and we just waited.

For seven hours we watched as I had regular contractions, and I was starting to have pain. Despite all the discomfort and despite what we saw on the monitors, however, I just wasn't making any more progress. I walked the hallways of L&D with my poor, sleep-deprived husband, wondering what was going on in all the other rooms, and feeling pangs of sadness whenever I would hear a baby cry. When I felt the contractions easing up after the fifth or sixth lap, I realized that it just wasn't going to happen that day. Finally, I made the decision to go home, knowing that I would risk a homebirth if something suddenly happened. I didn't want to sit on the uncomfortable triage bed anymore, and I couldn't be admitted to L&D without making more progress. Also, because I was only just past 37 weeks, the nurses and the on-call OB couldn't do any sort of intervention to help labor progress without medical authorization from my doctor or without some kind of emergency. Truth be told, I didn't want them to intervene. I didn't want anything resembling an induction at all. No, thank you! I knew that the baby would come whenever he was ready to come, and that it would be unmistakeable at that point that I was in labor. They told me that I was in prodromal labor, which can be just as painful as the real thing, and can last for hours (or even days!) without helping things to progress. Fun stuff. So, we went home.

The next day, I had some pretty sore muscles, but I really felt great! It was nice to have an end to the pain, but I have to admit that I was a little disappointed to have gone through all that without getting a baby in the end. I focused on finishing the last few things that needed to be done before the baby was born, because something was telling me that we didn't have much longer to wait. I made plans for one last trek to the store for some stocking up so we didn't have to worry about any essentials afterward. Since the kids were going to be at my parents on Friday night, I thought it would be good to go early Saturday morning, without having to take four kids along and before it got really busy in town. It was a good idea, but that's not exactly how the weekend ultimately played out!

38 weeks

I had originally written this post earlier in the week, and then we had an unexpected night spent in Labor & Delivery. Ugh. Obviously, we did not come home with a baby. However, I feel confident in saying that it's going to be soon. I also feel confident in saying that prodromal labor seriously SUCKS. Update at the end.

How far along? 38 weeks 
Baby's what? As long as a leek (about 19.5-ish inches or so), or about the size of a pumpkin, weighing in at around 7-8 pounds.

Total weight gain? About 25 pounds now. Give or take a thousand. I've lost track.

Maternity clothes? Yeah, the ones that still fit. Ugh.

Sleep? Sometimes I cave and take a Benadryl. Sleep is getting much harder to come by these days, and I desperately need the rest!

Best moment this week? The official end of the holidays, and the beginning of a brand new year! I love Christmas so much, but all the stress and running around almost makes it awful. It will be nice to get back to "normal" around here and finish getting ready for this little guy to show up.

Miss anything? Oh, so many things. Belly sleeping (any kind of sleeping, actually), eating a meal, walking without pain, wearing normal clothing, not having to pee every 30 seconds, not spending half the day wondering if every little pain is the beginning of labor...

Movement? Yes. He's currently in the process of rearranging my intestines.

Food cravings? Nothing specific. I don't really get hungry anymore, because there isn't any space for the food!

Anything making you queasy or sick? Not really, but I always have acid reflux and I feel totally full and bloated all the time.

Symptoms? Major heartburn, increased anxiety, killer leg cramps, tons of Braxton Hicks contractions, and really bad hip and sciatic pain.

Happy or moody? I think my family is ready to sell me. Or kill me. I might let them.

Looking forward to? Baby Day! Whenever that might be...

Next appointment? January 10th.

Our final ultrasound at 36 weeks was on December 20, and we learned that Baby is head down (good boy!) and that everything was just fine! He was measuring a week ahead of his due date and was already estimated to be close to 7 pounds. If we go all the way to 40 weeks, it's possible that this boy will be around 8.5-9 pounds. We weren't surprised by that, since Ethan and Nicky were both 8.5 pounds and born at 40 weeks. I don't think I'll make my due date, but my official guess for Baby is 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 20 inches. We'll see how close I am!

I also learned that I was dilated to 2 cm. and effaced to 50%, and that hasn't changed yet (as far as I know). We'll get another check at the next appointment (if Baby isn't here by then). 


***UPDATE***

Nathan and I headed to the hospital on New Year's Eve, right about midnight, to ring in 2013 the right way - in a horribly uncomfortable L&D triage bed, hooked up to monitors and waiting for something to happen. 

Two hours earlier, at around 10:30, I started to have extremely frequent, extremely consistent Braxton Hicks contractions. I've had a lot of them over the past few weeks, and I was used to them, but these weren't stopping or easing up at all. In fact, they were getting closer together and I was starting to have pain. We called my mom to come over and stay with all the sleeping kiddos, and decided to head to Austin.

After six very long hours of watching the contractions on the monitor, walking the halls of the L&D unit, and crying lots of frustrated tears because of pain with no obvious progress, we determined that I was not in true, active labor. I couldn't be admitted to the hospital unless something started to change, and I was stuck at 3.5 cm. with no budging, despite lots of painful contractions that were coming every 3 minutes or so. Ultimately, Nathan and I chose to go home and wait it out. It wasn't an easy decision to make. I was concerned that my labor would suddenly turn a corner and things would progress at an extremely rapid pace, and I didn't want to be in the car or at home when that happened. Eventually, though, everything slowed down and eased up. We went home, completely exhausted from getting absolutely NO sleep for the entire night.

Now, I'm sore and frustrated, not to mention extremely embarrassed at having to do the "walk of shame" out of L&D, still very pregnant  (and in my polka dot pajama pants, no less). I'm still contracting periodically, and now they really hurt. Prodromal labor, I have learned, is basically unproductive labor. It can last for hours and hours and come and go, despite all efforts to stop it (movement, hydration, etc.), and can be just as uncomfortable as true labor in the beginning stages. The only defining characteristic is that you don't end up with a baby in your arms. BOO!

So, say some prayers for us, as we're still waiting for Baby. Now it really seems that we won't have to wait long, because I think all of this has only helped to better prepare my body for Baby Day, which probably isn't too far off. We just need to make it to the hospital on time!

34 Weeks

Wow. It's been four months since I updated! I'm so sorry. Things have been crazy busy around here, and rather than making multiple excuses, I'll just say that I'm lucky to still be alive (and so is everyone else within a 10-mile radius). Whew! I'll try to do better about making this a little more, um, current.

How far along? 34 weeks

Baby's what? About as big as a cantaloupe (ew!), around 5 pounds and 18 inches long.

Total weight gain? Probably about 20-25 pounds now.

Maternity clothes? Ha! Yes. I'm mostly living in my pj's these days.

Sleep? It's becoming harder and harder to sleep. Some nights are great, and others are miserable.

Best moment this week? Hmmm...nothing's coming to mind. Maybe I should just brag on myself for being able to handle a million things at once and get through them all without killing anyone (or myself). December is total insanity.

Miss anything? I can't breathe or eat normally, and it hurts to move. There is no possible way to get comfortable.

Movement? Oh, definitely. All the time. There's an alien in there.

Food cravings? Mostly I just want to be able to fit food into my stomach. No specific cravings, I just prefer things that don't make the acid reflux worse.

Anything making you queasy or sick? I'm not getting sick, but there are a lot of things that are giving me killer indigestion and acid reflux.

Symptoms? Heartburn, anxiety, low BP, low blood sugar, leg cramps, hip and sciatic pain.

Happy or moody? People who can't sleep and have constant pain are always in a bad mood. My apologies.

Looking forward to? The end!

Next appointment? December 10th.

18 weeks

How far along? 18 weeks

Baby's what? About as big as a bell pepper or a sweet potato (around 5.5 inches or so).

Total weight gain? I don't know, actually.

Maternity clothes? Definitely. Starting to pull out the shirts now.

Sleep? Not much this past week, unfortunately. 

Best moment this week? Something not baby-related, actually. We started homeschooling! Both of the boys are kindergarteners now, and things are going so well!

Miss anything? Lots of things, actually. I'm recovering from a nasty cold/virus, so right now I just miss being able to breathe normally and talk without my throat hurting.

Movement? Oh, yeah! This kid has decided to stop fluttering and start kicking!

Food cravings? I still want potatoes and Mexican food.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Not much right now. I'm starting to get wicked acid reflux and heartburn in the evenings, though. 

Symptoms? Heartburn, anxiety, low BP.

Happy or moody? I think the mood swings are easing up, or at least I'd like to think they are! Mostly I'm just sniffly right now.

Looking forward to? Getting better!

Next appointment? August 30th.

16 weeks - What is it?!

How far along? 16 weeks! (Yes, I am terrible at updating. It's been insanely busy around here.)

Baby's what? About the size of an avocado, around 4.5 inches.

Total weight gain? +3

Maternity clothes? Yep. My regular pants definitely don't fit anymore, and my shirts are starting to get snug around the middle.

Sleep? Yay!

Best moment this week? Well, we got a peek at the baby, and discovered that we're having a little BOY! He's not a shy one!

Miss anything? Energy! I've been really tired the past week or so.

Movement? YES! Baby flutters!

Food cravings? Mexican food. Mmmmm...

Anything making you queasy or sick? That's pretty much over for now, thank goodness. However, the heartburn is starting to set in. I still don't really want sweet things, so I guess that's just going to be a trend for this pregnancy. Certain smells are still really bothering me, too.

Symptoms? Heartburn, exhaustion, low blood pressure, and a little anxiety.

Happy or moody? Probably still moody. Not gonna lie. I'm trying to be in control, though.

Looking forward to? Our big anatomy ultrasound at the next appointment!

Next appointment? August 30th.

12 Weeks

How far along? 12 weeks (almost 13, actually!)

Baby's what?! About the size of a lime or a plum, a little bigger than 2 inches.

Total weight gain?  Minus 3 pounds now. Thank you, stomach virus.

Maternity clothes? Pants - yes. Too much tummy pooch for my "real" jeans.

Sleep? I love it soooo much. What's the question?

Best moment this week? There really wasn't one. We had a rough week, I got really sick, and I had to reschedule my OB appointment.

Miss anything? My pants!

Movement? Nope, too early.

Food cravings? Um, I still want potatoes. Nothing else, really.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Most things in the evenings don't agree with me much. I'm still not that crazy about sweets, but it's getting better.

Symptoms? I'm still cold all the time, and I'm still getting nausea in the evenings.

Happy or moody? I'm sure that Nathan and the kids will tell you that I'm moody. Maybe dinner and a movie (child-free, of course) would make me feel better? (Ahem...)

Looking forward to? I'm hoping we will get another peek at the baby soon, but no guarantees.

Next appointment? Tomorrow! 

I'm totally slacking on pictures! I'll take one next week, I promise!

Surprise!

It may be a little anticlimactic, since this happens pretty often at our house, but...

We're expecting a baby!

I am currently ten weeks along, and due on January 17! So far, everything is going really well!

This was the first test.

It was a really light pink line, but it was there!

The faint line made me nervous. First of all, my period was already several days late, and I should've had a much darker line by that point. Secondly, I've had faint lines before, and those pregnancies ended in miscarriage. So, I took some more tests.

The next morning. A lot better.

There we go.
(The top one is the same test as in the picture above.)

Getting a much darker line in only a two-day time period comforted me a lot. I knew something was growing in my belly! At that point, I was okay with calling my OB and scheduling my first appointment. (And I solemnly swear to stop buying pee-sticks.)

We went in on June 6. Waiting was horrible, and it seemed like time was slowly inching by.

All that waiting was not in vain, however! We got great news! There were lots of big smiles in that exam room, let me tell you! Rapid, steady heartbeat, no obvious issues, and everything is right on track!

Ta-da! Little bean.

It kind of looks like a dragon in this picture. That's about right.

So, in a nutshell - you guys will be subjected to more obnoxious pregnancy posts. Sorry! (Not really.)

 ******************

How far along? 10 weeks

Total weight gain? One pound, although it feels like more

Maternity clothes? Sometimes. My jeans are uncomfortable around the waist, and Nathan informed me the other day that I have a belly already. Boo!

Sleep? Oh, yeah!

Best moment this week? Finally telling the world!

Miss anything? Eating food without regretting it ten minutes later.

Movement? Nope, too early.

Food cravings? Salt. And potatoes.

Anything making you queasy or sick? Anything sweet. Oh, and the smell of the bathroom. I know, it's weird.

Symptoms? Not unless occasionally feeling like puking counts. Honestly, I've been really COLD all the time. It's 78 degrees in our house and I'm walking around with a blanket wrapped around me. I've also been a little tired. I do have four kids, though. :)

Happy or moody? Probably a little moody. I'm not gonna lie.

Looking forward to? I'm hoping we will get another peek at the baby soon, but no guarantees.

******************

So much for that 30 pounds I lost, eh? Oh, well, I can get back on track after Baby gets here, and I'm definitely motivated!

For Nikki

TRIGGER: This is sad, and deals with pregnancy and infant loss.

When I was pregnant with Anna, I randomly joined an online "birth club" on BabyCenter, mostly to get support from other mothers that were all due in May 2011. I was extremely nervous about the pregnancy after three back-to-back miscarriages, and thought that it might make the time pass a little more quickly and it would alleviate some of my anxiety. I didn't really think I'd be visiting the group much, and I certainly didn't expect to make any "friends" online. Boy, was I wrong.

From a group that had thousands of members, some of us branched off into our own little unit (I think there might have been around 80, originally). We were the "sarcastic moms," the ones that didn't sugarcoat everything and liked to laugh at life. Others were rubbed the wrong way by some of our remarks on the conversation threads, so we founded our own spinoff group, pleasantly devoid of unicorns and rainbows.

This group eventually became even smaller, and we migrated over to Facebook, where we currently live, in a private group. We've been through several group name changes and managed to pick up a few nicknames. There are 35 of us now, and we have become the best of friends. We've shared everything together, and we are each involved in the intimate details of the others' lives. It's incredible! We complained about pregnancy aches and pains together ("No, you don't look horrible - you're glowing!"), and sat on the edge of our seats as we waited for ultrasound pictures, test results, gender announcements, and eventual delivery of our babies. We rallied support for one of our members that delivered her daughter at only 26 weeks, and cheered her on as we watched her grow for months in the NICU. As details of labors and deliveries came flooding in, we all celebrated together and gushed over adorable baby photos. We all had a "birth buddy," someone to call or text when we were in labor or when our baby was born, and they were supposed to update the rest of the group with details. (My birth buddy and I ended up delivering on the same exact day, even though we were due at different times!) Basically, we are very, very close. You can laugh all you want about making "friends" over the internet, but I trust these ladies and love them all dearly.

One of our girls did not get to bring her baby home with her, and it wasn't because he was still being cared for at the hospital. It was because he passed away the day after he was born. The shock wave that passed through our group was unbelievable. Many of us had still not delivered, so we were hit with a hard, ugly reality. Our hearts broke collectively, and we struggled with finding the right words and actions. She shared pictures with us, taken by the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization. Such a beautiful, perfect baby boy.

Nikki has chosen to share her story on a public site called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Her strength has completely overwhelmed me. I hope I never have to experience anything like what Nikki has been through, but if I do, I pray that I could go through it with even a fraction of the courage that she possesses. Let me encourage you to go and read the events that transpired around the time of Collins' birth. However, I will also caution you: it is extremely heart-wrenching and hard to read. Those of you that are expecting babies right now (Abigail and especially Erin) might not want to visit the site.

Nikki's story is here.

The most amazing thing about this story? Well, Nikki has taken her grief and done something truly incredible. She's crocheting hundreds of baby hats to donate to NICU babies and to NILMDTS. Some of her hats are the absolute most adorable things I've ever seen in my life, and I'm really envious of her talent! Caps from Collins is a relatively new project, but it's off to an explosive start! Please, please go check our the Facebook page, and see how much love went into all those little hats. And if any of you knit or crochet, maybe you'll want to make a few hats or blankets to donate? :)

I love you, Nikki! I think about you and baby Collins every single day, and you're always in my prayers.