What it's like to live with us: Part IV

EPISODE ONE: A FEW BUMPS IN THE ROAD

We are in the car, getting buckled in to go somewhere. I had previously explained to the boys (who can buckle themselves into their car seats) in great detail about where the chest clip should be. Nicholas was having trouble with this, so I used his nipples as a reference point.

Nicky is digging around in his shirt rather than buckling his belt.

ME: Nicholas, what in the world are you doing?

NICKY: I can't find those bumps!

ME: What bumps? Your nipples?

NICKY: Yes! I CAN'T find them!!

ME: I'll help you buckle up, okay?

NICKY: NO! I can't find them!

ME: Son, look for your nipples when we get home, okay? We need to leave now.

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EPISODE TWO: HE DID WHAT?

ME: Zoe? Do you know where Nicky is?

ZOE: No.

ME: Is he hiding? Did you see where he went.

ZOE: No. He buh-petered.

ME: What? Buh-petered??

ZOE: Yeah, he buh-petered.

ME (head swirling in confusion): I have no idea what you're talking about.

I have to think for a second...

ME: Oh! He disappeared?

ZOE: Yeah.

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EPISODE THREE: I FEEL PRETTY

Daddy is in the bathroom with Zoe, helping her brush her teeth before bed.

NATHAN: You're so pretty, Zoe.

ZOE: You're not a pretty boy because you didn't let me brush my teeth.

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EPISODE FOUR: WHERE IS MY MIND?

Ethan comes running into the living room and hops onto the couch.

ETHAN: Something made a noise in my room, Mama!

ME: What was it? Was it outside?

ETHAN: I don't know, but it scared my mind right outta my head!

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EPISODE FIVE: DARKNESS FALLS

We're at my in-laws' house, getting ready to go home. It's early evening, and the sun is starting to set. I hate driving in the dark because I can't see well and it makes me nervous.

ME: Come on guys, let's go! It's getting dark.

We finally get into the car and start making our way home.

ZOE: Mama, do you like to drive in the dark?

ME: Nope. I don't like it at all.

ZOE: Yeah, me either.

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EPISODE SIX: THE WEDDING IS OFF

Ethan is all dressed up in some of Zoe's princess garb, complete with jewelry and "hair" made from a blanket. He marches into the kitchen and announces that he's ready to get married. Apparently, he is set to marry Nicholas. 

ETHAN (walking back to his room): Come on, Nicky!

Nicholas runs toward him, then passes him, smacking his arm as he flies by.

ETHAN (after a brief pause): I don't want to marry you.

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EPISODE SIX: NO BUTTS ABOUT IT

One day, we were going to watch a movie. I was holding Anna, and only had one free hand to open the case and insert the disk. It was a little smudgy, so I decided to wipe it off. The closest thing to me? Anna's butt. The kids thought this was hilarious, and I'll probably never live it down. Fast forward a few weeks...

ETHAN: The movie is skipping! Can you fix it, Mama?

ZOE: You probably should wipe it on Anna's butt.

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EPISODE SEVEN: IT'S LEFT, RIGHT?

We're eating dinner and discussing handedness.

ZOE ( holding up left hand): Is this my right hand?

NATHAN: No, the other one.

ZOE (holding up right hand): This is my right hand.

NATHAN: Yes.

ZOE (holding up left hand): And this is my wrong hand.

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