What it's like to live with us...

Those of you without children will never understand, but I offer a few humorous tidbits for your enjoyment. :)

EPISODE ONE: ATTACK OF THE WILD ZOE

I'm cooking dinner. Zoe comes running into the kitchen with a large plastic shark. She is waving it around in the air like a crazy person. The following conversation ensues:

ZOE: Look, Mama!! The shark is eating all the animals!!

ME: Wow, he must be really hungry. He has lots of animals in his mouth.

ZOE: He's gonna eat them all up and the blood is gonna go on the floor!!

ME: Whoa, that's kind of violent!

ZOE: I'm not violent, I'm Zoe!

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EPISODE TWO: DISTRACTED BATHING

ME: Nicky! Come take a shower!

Nicky comes running in the bathroom.

NICKY: I have to pee!

ME: Okay, go then!

He starts getting undressed, looks around for a second, then starts to climb in the bathtub. He still has his shirt on.

ME: I thought you had to go to the bathroom.

NICKY (irritated voice): I DO!

ME: Well, you need to get out of the bathtub and go!

NICKY: Fine!

He climbs out, goes potty, then climbs back into the bathtub. He still has his shirt on.

ME (sighing and rubbing my head): Nicholas, you need to finish getting undressed.

NICKY: I am!

ME: No, son, you still have your shirt on.

Takes shirt off and throws it.

ME: Finally.

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EPISODE THREE: THE LORD OF THE...HUH?

I'm watching one of the Lord of the Rings movies while folding laundry. Ethan enters the room, having just woken up from his afternoon nap. He sits down on the couch and stares sleepily at the television for a few moments. Then, he speaks.

ETHAN: Hey, look! It's Moses!

I look up at the television to see the elderly, bearded character Gandalf, complete with long robe and staff.

ME (laughing): Oh, no, honey. That's not Moses, it's a man named Gandalf.

ETHAN: Oh. Well, he looks like Moses.

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EPISODE FOUR: THE SCOOP ON POOP 

One night at dinner, someone was talking about poop (which is something the kids aren't supposed to do, especially during a meal). Nathan made some dry, sarcastic comment like, "We don't want to hear all about your feces, thank you very much. Now be quiet and eat your dinner." 

Fast forward to several weeks later. We were at the pumpkin patch, checking out the animals, and Nicholas suddenly pointed at the piles of animal poop on the ground and yelled, "Look! Feces!!"

I know it's bad, but I couldn't stop laughing.

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EPISODE FIVE: PETE AND REPEAT WERE IN A BOAT... 

Ethan absolutely cannot stop talking. Ever. He talks all the time, in extreme detail, without taking any breaths. If you interrupt him or don't allow him to finish his story, he starts over. Also, he absolutely has to have the last word. Always. Don't even try to say something else, because he will never, ever give up. It's truly amazing that Nathan and I still have full heads of hair. Example: the kids were going to my parents' house on Friday night to spend the night. My mom came to pick them up after she got off work, and had brought each of them a Halloween surprise that she allowed them to open in the car. During the trip, Ethan lost a piece of his toy (part of Spiderman's suit). Nathan found it in the driveway, and I took it over to my parents' house on Saturday morning when I went over there. This is (basically) what happened: 

I dig Spiderman's suit out of my purse.

ME: Ethan, look what Daddy found.

ETHAN: Oh! My black Spiderman suit! I've been looking for that!

GRAMMY: Oh, good. Where was it? In the driveway?

ME: Yep.

GRAMMY: We looked for it in the car, and couldn't find it. I almost stopped again to look in the driveway. I'm glad he found it.

Ethan comes running up to me, very excited, waving his toy around in my face.

ETHAN: Grammy gave us new Spiderman toys for Halloween, and Zoe got some stuff for her baby doll!! I lost my Spiderman suit in Grammy's car.

(It seems to have escaped him that I saw his toys on the previous day, and already knew that he had lost a piece.)

ME: I know, buddy, but Daddy found your suit. You need to keep track of all the pieces or it won't be fun to play with.

ETHAN: Yeah, Daddy found it in the driveway!

ME: Yep, he did.

ETHAN: Nicky got Spiderman toys, too!

ME: I know he did. I saw them at our house yesterday.

ETHAN: Yeah, Grammy got them for Halloween.

ME: Yes, baby, I know.

My mom is standing behind Ethan, snickering.

ETHAN: We're going to Grammy's church tomorrow because they're having a Halloween party!

ME: Yeah, don't you remember me telling you about that?

(He ignores me.)

ETHAN: They're gonna have a bouncy thing and candy!

ME: Yes, they will.

ETHAN: Can I have some gum?

ME: If they have gum there, I don't mind if you get some.

Nicholas comes running up to me, having just finished his breakfast.

NICKY: Grammy got us Spiderman toys for Halloween!!

ETHAN (screaming in Nicky's face): Nicky!! I already told her!! And look! Daddy found my Spiderman suit in the driveway! I thought I lost it in Grammy's car, but Daddy found it in the driveway!!

ME: Oh, boy...

Keep in mind that the entire time they're talking to me, they can't stand still. They're running in place, dancing on the furniture, etc. Also, when Zoe joins in, she tells the story for a third time. Meanwhile, the boys are in the middle of a fistfight over who told Mommy the story first or best.

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EPISODE SIX: THE PROBLEM OF "HIS" 

Zoe has been able to construct elaborate sentences for a long time. She learned to talk very early (she had a couple of excellent teachers - see above), and quickly mastered it so she could get what she wanted.

Some of her mistakes are extremely cute, though. One such adorable error is her inability to use the words "his" and "her" in the proper way. 

Zoe is in her room, playing with a doll.

ME: Zoe, what's your baby doing?

ZOE: Drinking him juice.

ME: Oh, she's drinking her juice? She must be really thirsty.

ZOE: Yeah, she is. So she's drinking him juice.

ME: Drinking her juice?

ZOE: Yeah.

She'll get it eventually.

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EPISODE SEVEN: SAY WHAT?

The kids are all at the kitchen table, eating breakfast. Nicholas can't eat quietly. He has to be making constant noise, even while chewing. I've had enough.

ME: Nicky, you need to be quiet and finish eating, please.

NICKY: MMmmmhhhmmnnnmmnomnomhhhhhmmmnnnnommmm...

ME: Nicky! Hush!

He continues to chew, humming loudly.

ME: Nicky, you're about to lose your food, son. Be quiet and finish! NOW!

Ethan: Yeah, Nicky, that's really annoying and obnoxious (pronounced "at-noxt-shush").

I start giggling.

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I could do this all day, but I'll spare you. :) Hope you enjoyed!