EPISODE ONE: WHAT'S THAT SMELL?
We are at my parents' house, all gathered in the living room. The kids are running around and playing, entertaining Grammy and Granddad. Suddenly, Zoe comes to a screeching halt and starts sniffing the air.
ZOE: It smells like men in here.
ME: It smells like men? I only see one man (pointing at Granddad).
We all burst into hysterical laughter, and Zoe starts screaming...
ZOE: No! NO!! I said it smells like MINT in here!!
We laugh even harder.
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EPIDSODE TWO: PRINCESS TROUBLES
(Grammy and Granddad told me this story, so I didn't get to witness it firsthand. I don't doubt it, though, as I know my daughter very well!)
Zoe is sitting on the couch, looking very somber. She lets out a huge sigh, and Grammy decides to find out what's wrong.
ZOE: Nicky and Ethan don't think I'm beautiful.
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EPISODE THREE: A RELIGIOUS EXPERIENCE
The boys are watching an episode of Scooby-Doo, and I overhear the following conversation:
ETHAN: Look, Nicky! Shaggy has the Ten Commandments!
I wander into the room to investigate, as I don't recall Scooby-Doo being a religious program.
ME: Hey, buddy, I don't think those are the Ten Commandments.
ETHAN: Yes they are! There are words written on those rocks that Shaggy is holding!
ME: Um, I see the words, but I don't think they're the Ten Commandments.
ETHAN: They're not?
ME: No, buddy.
The show was actually about "The Curse of the Mummy" or something, and the writing was hieroglyphics on the inside of a tomb. Yeah, totally NOT the Ten Commandments.
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EPISODE FOUR: DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL
It's about 6:45 in the morning, and the kids are starting to wake up and stumble into the living room. Ethan is the last one to wake up. He drags himself into the room and flops onto the couch.
ME: Good morning, Ethan. Did you have a good sleep?
ETHAN: ...
ME: Are you okay, buddy?
ETHAN (dramatically): I don't really want to say anything.
ME: Okay, you don't have to.
ETHAN (even more dramatically): I just don't want to talk about it.
ME: Well, I'm sorry I asked.
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EPISODE FIVE: WHEN WE ALL GET TO HEAVEN
I overheard this while the kids were playing in another room.
NICKY: I'm gonna shoot you, Zoe!
ZOE: No!! Don't shoot me!
NICKY: It's okay, Zoe! I'm gonna shoot you, but if you have Jesus in your heart, you can go to Heaven and be with God!
ZOE: But I don't want you to shoot me!
NICKY: Then you can go to Heaven!! You can be with God!!
ZOE: No! I don't want you to shoot me!!
Eventually, Zoe was able to convince the boys that she wasn't ready to visit Heaven quite yet. Several of their stuffed animals, however, wound up being massacred. The weapon of choice was a plastic french fry.
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EPISODE SIX: JUST DESSERTS
Again, we are all at the table, and everyone is finishing their lunch.
ZOE: I want buh-zirk.
ME: You want what? You want dessert?
ZOE: Yeah.
Her older brother decides to help her out with pronunciation.
NICKY: It's DUH-ZURT, Zoe. You said it wrong.
ZOE: I want buh-zurt!
ME: Dessert?
ZOE: Yes. Buh-zurt.
NICKY (shouting across the table): You said it WRONG, Zoe!!
ZOE: NO, I DIDN'T!!
Cue fighting. Exit Mommy, stage left.
These crack me up, every time!
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