What it's like to live with us: Part II

The last post seemed to be pretty popular, so I decided to keep going with this. I get tons of new material almost daily, so it's not hard.

EPISODE ONE: THE TURTLE IN THE ROOM

I'm in the kitchen (where else would I be?), cooking dinner (of course), and in marches Zoe. She's carrying a tiny plastic turtle. After a few moments, I notice that she's standing directly behind me and following my every movement with the toy. I'm getting irritated because I'm afraid I might step on her or trip over her, so I decide to figure out what she's doing.

ME: Zoe, you're in my way, sweetheart. What are you doing?

ZOE: The turtle is following you.

ME: Okay, well, can the turtle follow me later, because I'm afraid that you're going to get hurt if you stand right here while I'm cooking.

ZOE: Okay.

She starts to leave, but I notice she's moving with the approximate speed of growing grass.

ME: Honey, I really need you to get out of the kitchen, please. Can you go in the other room?

ZOE: The turtle walks really slow!

ME: *sigh* Of course he does. How could I forget?

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EPISODE TWO: DON'T BE A SUCKER

Sometimes we have to use a little bribery here at the Alexander household. On this particular (horrible) day, the kids took their naps without a fuss, so I allowed them to choose one piece of candy. They all wanted suckers, and they took a long time deciding which flavor. Finally, all three of them were happily smacking away on their lollipops and discussing their choices with one another.

ETHAN: Mmmmm! I got a blue one. What kind is it, Mama?

ME: Cotton candy.

ETHAN: It's cotton candy flavor. What did you get, Zoe?

ZOE: I don't know.

ME: It's the mystery flavor. You have to guess what it is.

ETHAN: What does it taste like, Zoe?

ZOE (in a dramatic voice): It tastes like mystery.

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EPISODE THREE: THE LAST SUPPER-EATER

We're eating dinner. Ethan is notorious for taking way too long to finish a meal, and it drives us to the point of insanity. On this particular night, we're eating something with noodles in it. Everyone else is done and we have all moved on to do other things. Ethan is taking FOREVER to eat the five remaining noodles in his bowl.

ETHAN: I'm done!

ME: Finally.

NATHAN: You ate everything? It's all gone?

ETHAN: Yep.

NATHAN (glancing in Ethan's bowl): Oh, there is a God!!

ME: *snickering*

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EPISODE FOUR: THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL

The kids and I are going to the grocery store, and Ethan is upset because it's a nasty day. There's a little bit of drizzle coming down, but it's not really raining. The following conversation takes place:

ETHAN: It's raining!

ME: Well, not really. It's just sprinkling. No big deal. The car isn't even getting wet.

ETHAN: No, it's raining, and it makes my plan bad.

ME: What? It makes your plan bad?

ETHAN (huge, dramatic sigh): Yes, my plan is all messed up now.

ME: You had a plan? For what?

ETHAN: Well, I was going to go to Grammy's house and go outside, but I can't now. Grammy bought us new umbrellas and I was going to play with mine outside.

ME: Well, then, some rain would be a good thing, right? Then you could try out your new umbrella?

ETHAN: Yeah, but I don't want it to get wet.

ME: Uhhhhh...

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EPISODE FIVE: ONLY TIME WILL TELL

I'm cooking (do you see a trend here?). The kids come in and start pestering me about when lunch will be ready, because they are starving to the point of death.

ME: Guys, go play. The food will be ready in just a few minutes, I promise. If you stand here and bother me, I can't cook, and then you can't eat.

NICKY: I'm hungry!!

ME: I know! That's why you need to move out of the way so I can finish this.

ZOE: My tummy is hungry and it hurts.

ME: Well, go play for a couple of minutes and I'll get it all done as fast as I can!

ETHAN: How long is it going to take?
ME: Not long at all. I just don't want to trip over kids while I'm trying to get it finished.

ETHAN: But how long? Like one and a half inches?

ME (thoroughly confused and trying hard to not laugh): Yeah. One and a half inches and it's all done. Go play.

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Hope you all enjoyed a few laughs at our expense. Have an awesome weekend, everyone!