Guts?

There are so many things that I've wanted to write about here. I would love to use this space and my (small) invisible audience to vent some things that roll around in my mind endlessly, giving me very few moments of real peace. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to do that.

Honestly, I'm pretty distracted these days. We have a lot going on, and the day-to-day with the kids keeps me really busy. That helps keep me from dwelling on anything that's bothering me, anything that's raw, anything that brings up yucky feelings. The truth, though, is that when things quiet down, when the wheels stop spinning, all those things come rushing to the front of my mind sometimes, and it's pretty overwhelming.

One thing I've been trying to do, when the thoughts start to take over, is to shift my focus to something that would help or benefit someone else. It could be something simple, like saying a prayer for someone, or it could be a bigger project. Between that and my usual daily duties, my brain stays pretty occupied. For the past few days, I've been working on cleaning and organizing the girls' room and closet. Boy, talk about a JOB! Whew! That would be enough to drive a sane person totally nuts! Anyway...it kept me busy, for sure!

(I may or may not have threatened their lives if they ever junked it up like that again...)

I need to be better about writing here and just getting some things unloaded. I'll try! Also, more pictures and updates on family stuff. It's all coming...promise.

Kids are strange...

I'm sure this applies to all children, but since I'm repeatedly exposed to mine, maybe it just seems more obvious with them? I don't know. All I'm sure of is that my children are a particular breed of, well, "special."

To illustrate my point:

Ethan decided that the spiked look was perfect for him.

The joys of having sisters.

Zoe and Anna wrapped Matt like a burrito and left him on the floor.

Anna walked around like this for thirty minutes until I agreed to take her picture.

At first glance, this seems like a sweet photo. Brothers, roasting things over a fire together...
Yeah, they're cooking a pickle.

I really have no idea what was going on here.

Anna didn't have anyone else to play Old Maid with, so Olaf decided to oblige.

(She's grinning because he has the Old Maid, but I think he ultimately won the game.)

Thank you, Grammy, for providing an abundant supply of nasty, fake teeth.

I looked in my rearview mirror in the midst of Austin traffic, and I saw this.

Nightmares, man.

(Note: I did not take this photo while driving. We did a dramatic reenactment upon returning home.)

Weird little buggers, aren't they?

Matt's Fourth Birthday!

It's so hard to believe that our little baby is already FOUR! Could it really be so long ago that we were with him in the NICU, watching him struggle to breathe, waiting to see if he would be okay, wondering when he'd be able to come home and be with his brothers and sisters? In some ways, it seems like it was only yesterday, but, in other ways, it feels like an eternity.

All the kids get a special breakfast on the day of their birth, and Matt's was themed after one of his current favorite things: Angry Birds!

This was, by far, the most difficult breakfast I've made.
(Note to self: pick something easier next time.)

No matter how hard it was and no matter how long it took, the look on this sweet boy's face made it completely worthwhile!

I hope he wished for something awesome!

(Maybe a maid service for his incredible mother?)

Instead of throwing the kids a birthday party, we've recently begun something a little more personal that I think will be a lot more fun. Each kiddo gets to choose whatever fun activity or event they would like, and we plan it out for them. Matt was very insistent that we all go to Chuck E Cheese's to play and eat pizza, so that's what we did!

No "cheese" for Mom, except on the pizza.

The looks that Zoe and Nicky have on their faces are the best part of this photo.

After several hours of games and food, we headed back toward home. There was, however, one more quick stop we had to make.

What's a birthday without cake?

And the cupcakes from Simply Sweet are definitely the best!

Open wider, Nick! Wider!!

I think Matt had a really great day, and he seemed to be overjoyed with everything. He told me several times how much fun his birthday was, and thanked me for every tiny little thing he could think of.

"Mama, thank you for driving me to Chuck E Cheese!"
"Mama, thank you for letting me wear this shirt."
"Mama, thank you for getting me a cupcake!"
"Mama, thank you for letting me eat some pizza."
"Mama, thank you for not making me take a nap today."

I'm just happy that my birthday boy had fun. I remember this day, exactly four years ago, and how unsure I was that my baby would even see his first birthday.

We are so incredible grateful that he's here with us today, four years later, happy and healthy! It's just as if those terrifying few days never happened at all.

Happy 4th Birthday, Matt-Matt! We love you so much, buddy!

A new beginning?

Several years ago, I decided that I would attempt to revive my little blog and make myself accountable for posting on a regular basis. Well, we all know that didn't exactly pan out.

Today is the first day of another new year, and I think I really want to open this up again, to recreate this outlet for myself. I remember how much I used to enjoy sharing little pieces of my life and all the crazy things we experience as a family, and I miss being able to have the time (and the motivation) to keep it going.

Also, my mother recently told me (while in hysterics over something my children did or said) that she would pay me $10,000 if I wrote a book. I wonder if she was serious?

Anyway, stay tuned! There may (or may not) be more posts coming.

Matthew's First Birthday!

Last Saturday, we had our whole family over to my parents' house to celebrate Matt's big birthday! It was lots of fun, and I managed to only get choked up a little bit as I remembered his rough beginning and thought about how insanely lucky and blessed we are to have him here with us.

Random stats: Matthew is currently 21 pounds and 29 inches tall. He is cruising around on all the furniture in the house, and can walk with assistance. He hasn't taken independent steps yet, but I think it will probably happen soon! He dances to music, waves "bye," claps his hands, babbles like crazy, and is getting into everything! His current favorite "trouble zone" is the kitchen drawer where I keep the plastic food storage containers. I spend a lot of time tracking down lids these days. He also likes to throw things (usually soft, bouncy balls, but he'll also throw more dangerous items if we're not watching him carefully!). He has the sweetest personality, he's incredibly laid-back, and he loves to hug and cuddle with me. Cutest baby EVER!

Anyway, on to the party!

A few months ago, I asked the kids what kind of birthday party we should have for Matt, and Ethan's immediate, enthusiastic response was, "A zoo party!" I thought it was a super cute idea!

Here's the cake!

I couldn't resist.

I set up a hot dog bar with a ton of different toppings. We also had a menu with some suggestions for creative hot dogs, like the "Chicago Dog," the "BBQ Dog," and the "Salty Dog." I think people had lots of fun making them! Some were really pretty good! I chickened out when it came to the sauerkraut, though. So much for my German heritage.

Matt with his Grammy, Great-Grandma, and Grandma.

(That's just funny, actually.)

Grandpa and Matt.

Arturo and Zoe.

(I think she might have a bit of a crush. Sorry, Hannah.)

 One lucky mommy!

 Zoe was ready to blow out the candle for Matt!

 "Wait, what was that I just ate? It was good!"

"Hmmm..."

"Oh, yeah. I can totally clean the plate! This stuff is awesome!"

Then we opened some presents (with a lot of helpers)!

 

I think he really enjoyed all the fun boxes and paper, though he had no clue what was inside.

And, after a little nap, he found some balloons!

Matthew had a great first birthday, and the party was awesome. Thanks to everyone who came and brought him a gift! We love our Matt-Matt, and can't believe he's already ONE!

Matt is ONE!

I already posted a photo on Facebook, but I wanted to post here as well. Just to be thorough, and to help in fulfilling my personal vow to blog more this year. On with the show!

Matthew hit a big milestone today - his first birthday!! This is a big deal for any kid, but when it comes to Matt, we are beyond excited to be celebrating the big "1" with him. We weren't sure if he'd make it to this point, quite frankly, after all the difficulties he had at birth. Those of you who don't remember, feel free to read his extremely wordy, four-part birth story that begins HERE. 

One year ago today:

 Just a few hours old, in the NICU.

About a week later, once he was home with us:

 One of Matt's gorgeous newborn photos by Stacy at Sugarbee Photography.

(Check her out! Not only is she a great friend, but she's a great photographer, too! She also has a Facebook page.)

And, one year later:

Mommy's little kitchen "helper."

Taken this afternoon. It's hard to believe how much difference one year can make!

We've had so many people tell us how blessed we are, in reference to our children (and our family as a whole). As much as we agreed, we never really understood the depth of our blessings until Matt came along and blew us away with his strength and ability to overcome. He is such an amazing little boy, and we are so thankful that he's here with us, happy and healthy.

So, to our precious baby boy, Matthew James (Matt, Matty, Matt-Matt, Mattimus, Mattster) - we love you so, so much!! We have enjoyed watching you grow this past year, and we are looking forward to all of the things the future holds.

A new year, another start

I have been seriously neglecting this blog for a full year now. I've missed being able to come and write for so many reasons, but just haven't made it a priority because of all the other things we have going on in our home! I really hate New Year's Resolutions, but if I am going to make one at all, I'm going to resolve to be more diligent about updating here. So, there you have it. Happy New Year!

Matthew's arrival brought so much more to our lives, and while most of it was really great, some of it wasn't. We made it through the extremely complicated beginning, however, and were finally able to take a breath and just enjoy our newest little one, who is the absolute sweetest boy on the planet! It is completely unbelievable that he is going to be ONE already - in just a couple of days! It's just not possible that an entire year has flown by. We'll be celebrating this weekend with family, so be watching for the photo bomb that will inevitably follow.

We also celebrated Ethan and Nicholas's birthdays in December, and I'll get some photos up from their party as well. They're deep in a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles phase right now. It's like a flashback to my childhood, playing TMNT with my brother and watching the cartoons, so I don't mind it much.

We had several fun Christmas get-togethers with family, and the kids acquired every toy on the entire stinking planet. Once again, it looks like Toys 'R' Us threw up in my house.

I hope everyone has an amazing 2014! May it be filled with joy and abundant blessings!

Matthew's Birth Story, Part Four: Recovery and Going Home!

The second day of Matthew's life brought some great news! Nathan had gone home that morning to do some things, so I was on my own. I went down to the NICU about 9:00 that morning to check on Matthew and be there for his next feeding, and the nurse greeted me with a big smile. The first words out of her mouth were,

"Do you want to hold him?"

"WHAT?! Really?! I can hold my baby?!"

I was so excited! They had taken the feeding tube out and had Matthew on IV fluids only, but they told me that I could try to nurse him if I wanted to. One of the requirements for his discharge would be that he take all feedings by mouth, rather than through the tube, so they were really trying to get him to eat. They also wanted me to have the chance to do some kangaroo care (skin-to-skin cuddle time) with him to help with his body temperature and respiratory issues. I wasn't complaining!

 Mommy and Matthew - Day Two!

It was a little awkward to try to hold him with all the tubes and wires everywhere, and I was worried that I was going to accidentally mess something up or pull something out.  The nurse was kind enough to offer to take a picture for me, and I really appreciated it so much. Then, I got the chance to try to breastfeed him, which made me so, so happy.

I spent as much time with Matthew as I could. Walking back and forth from the NICU to my room got a little redundant (as did washing my hands 400 times a day). I would walk down there, spend an hour or more there with Matthew, and then walk back to my room. He was on a strict feeding schedule, and was eating every three hours, and I was trying to make a point to be there for each feeding, if possible. By the time I finished pumping or whatever else I had to do (fill out birth certificate paperwork, get my vitals checked, meet with the OB or the pediatrician, sign a million consent forms for a ton of different things, have a quick meal, call or text people to let them know what was going on...), it was time to walk back down there again. Now, I know the nurses and doctors were there, caring for him non-stop, but I'm Matthew's mother, and I wanted to do as much as I could. I needed to feel like I was contributing to his healing, and I didn't want to be in a hospital room alone all day long with nothing to do except focus on my own anxiety.

For some reason, this sign always made me feel nervous.

And it never really got easier to walk into the unit and see my baby surrounded by so much...stuff.

The best news of the day came that afternoon. They were still doing periodic x-rays of Matthew's lungs, and they had done one that morning. On one of my trips to see Matthew, the doctor came over to tell me that the pneumothorax (the hole in Matthew's lung) had completely resolved! It was gone! Wooooohooooo!

That afternoon, Nathan came back to the hospital and my parents brought the kids up to see me. We did take Ethan and Zoe down to the NICU to see their little brother, but it was a huge ordeal. We had to present their shot records for review before they were allowed to go back, and they had to scrub just like the adults. Also, they could only go in one at a time for fifteen minutes each. Poor Nicholas wasn't able to go because there was a vaccination that wasn't written down on his shot record. We decided not to take Anna because she's still so little.

Later that day, we had some other visitors. Joseph and Marissa came with their kiddos, and John and Sharon were there, too. It made me feel better to see everyone, and when they left it was kind of depressing. John bought us dinner from a local Mexican restaurant and brought in a huge (very yummy) chocolate cake.

By the time the next morning (Monday, the 7th) rolled around, he was still improving. The doctor had issued orders during the night to reduce the amount of oxygen he was breathing and also to reduce the flow, and his oxygen saturation numbers had been stable for more than 12 hours. This meant that Matthew was starting to be able to breathe better without help, and those breaths that he was taking were effectively getting oxygen into his system. All good news! 

When I went to visit later that afternoon, I got two more surprises!

No nasal cannula and no IV!

Matthew was happy about it, too. :)

At this point, we were just watching him to make sure that he was going to be completely stable without any help. His respiratory rate was close to normal, his heart rate was fine, he was taking all feedings by mouth, he no longer needed oxygen, he didn't need IV fluids anymore, and his body temperature and blood sugar were normal and being regulated as they should be. I couldn't believe how much progress he had made in just two short days! It was really looking possible that we could be bringing him home very soon, but I tried not to get my hopes up. I wanted him to be completely well before they let him leave, and I knew that only time would tell us if he had totally healed.

That day was kind of awkward for me. I was being discharged from the hospital, but Matthew wasn't. No one seemed to know if I was going to be able to stay there an extra day and be with him, and it took forever for anyone to make a final decision. At some point during the day, my nurse came to tell me that I was definitely going to be discharged, but they were going to let me stay in my room, as a courtesy, for as long as Matthew was still in the NICU, since he was expected to go home soon. I was staying there, and could still receive meals and use the little mini-kitchens they have available for patients, but I could no longer receive medication, sanitary supplies, or medical attention from the nurses. No one was going to come into my room to check on me anymore. I didn't have any access to anything outside the hospital and I didn't have a vehicle there, so I went off meds without any choice. Luckily, I was feeling pretty good and wasn't having much pain.

I have to say, though, that night was a little scary. I was in the hospital, but it was more like a twisted hotel visit. There were so many familiar-yet-scary noises in the hallways, people were always shuffling around, and I was still restricted by a lot of the hospital rules, but I wasn't really "there" anymore. Nathan was at home with the other kids, so I spent that night alone. I tried to avoid being freaked out by staying with Matthew as much as I could. Those NICU nurses probably thought I was clingy, but I couldn't help it. At that point, the NICU was much less freaky than my empty, dark hospital room. All the walking back and forth was really taking its toll on me, however, and I was starting to have some pain. I just had to deal with it, though, because there wasn't a way for me to get any medication. I wanted to go home!!

Tuesday morning (the 8th), I walked into the NICU and saw this:

A big boy bed!!

Matthew was still doing well and totally stable! I waited around for his doctor to come through and talk with me, but he was doing rounds at another hospital. So, I just hung out there for a while with my baby, and then went in search of a quick breakfast. Seriously, the waiting was horrible! Also, there were a couple of other things that needed to happen before Matthew could go home. First of all, we wanted to have him circumsized, but they couldn't do that until he was stable, so it hadn't happened yet. I received word that my OB was on his way over to do the procedure later that afternoon. Also, Matthew needed to have his hearing screened before he could go home.

Just before lunch, Matthew's doctor called my room and told me the best news ever. Matthew was going home! THAT AFTERNOON!! The doctor was almost as excited as I was, and he promised to come and see us again before Matthew "graduated."

I was so thrilled and so ready to leave with my baby!  I ran around my room, packing up all my things and gathering everything that we needed to take with us. I knew I couldn't take it all with me to the NICU, so I put it all in a pile so we could come back and get it later.

Dr. P came that afternoon and did Matthew's circumcision. I happened to arrive at the NICU just after they had taken him for the procedure, so I spent some more time just waiting. I sent Nathan a message to let him know that we were close, and he started heading back up to the hospital to come and get us. Almost immediately after it was over, a woman showed up to do his hearing screen. At that point, we were just minutes away from being able to leave!

 Matthew's last NICU picture!

Nathan got there, grabbed my stuff from my room, brought the car seat into the NICU, and we were ready to load up our sweet baby and go! At that point, Matthew's doctor came back and saw us. He was so happy that we were able to leave, and asked us if we had any final questions for him. His exact words were, "All of the things that brought Matthew to the NICU are completely resolved, and I have no doubt that he is completely, 100% better." Talk about a huge relief! Hearing that, and knowing that I didn't have to be afraid to take my baby home, helped me to relax to the point that I was almost in tears.

We walked out of there minutes later, carrying our precious baby boy! My heart was bursting, it was so full!

Of course, we had to go and pick up the other kids from the Alexanders' house. We hadn't told them whether or not Matthew was going to come home, and we wanted it to be a surprise. They were definitely surprised! There was a lot of excitement in that house, for sure! The cutest reaction came from Anna. I was certain that she would be upset or unsure about the baby, because she's too young to really understand and she's very attached to me. I didn't need to worry at all. She practically jumped out of her chair and was screaming, "Baby! Baby brother! New baby! Look, Daddy, new baby!!"

 She is so proud of her new brother!

As of today, two weeks later, Matthew is doing just fine. He hasn't had any complications or issues relating to the problems that landed him in the NICU, and it thrills me to see how well he is! He's nursing like a champ, which means we haven't had to use any more formula or bottles, and I got to stop pumping! Yay!

We know how lucky we are to have a healthy baby, and are so thankful that he is better. Things could have gone much differently and could have been so much worse! We are very appreciative of all the doctors and nurses at the hospital who were so instrumental in his healing.