For Nikki

TRIGGER: This is sad, and deals with pregnancy and infant loss.

When I was pregnant with Anna, I randomly joined an online "birth club" on BabyCenter, mostly to get support from other mothers that were all due in May 2011. I was extremely nervous about the pregnancy after three back-to-back miscarriages, and thought that it might make the time pass a little more quickly and it would alleviate some of my anxiety. I didn't really think I'd be visiting the group much, and I certainly didn't expect to make any "friends" online. Boy, was I wrong.

From a group that had thousands of members, some of us branched off into our own little unit (I think there might have been around 80, originally). We were the "sarcastic moms," the ones that didn't sugarcoat everything and liked to laugh at life. Others were rubbed the wrong way by some of our remarks on the conversation threads, so we founded our own spinoff group, pleasantly devoid of unicorns and rainbows.

This group eventually became even smaller, and we migrated over to Facebook, where we currently live, in a private group. We've been through several group name changes and managed to pick up a few nicknames. There are 35 of us now, and we have become the best of friends. We've shared everything together, and we are each involved in the intimate details of the others' lives. It's incredible! We complained about pregnancy aches and pains together ("No, you don't look horrible - you're glowing!"), and sat on the edge of our seats as we waited for ultrasound pictures, test results, gender announcements, and eventual delivery of our babies. We rallied support for one of our members that delivered her daughter at only 26 weeks, and cheered her on as we watched her grow for months in the NICU. As details of labors and deliveries came flooding in, we all celebrated together and gushed over adorable baby photos. We all had a "birth buddy," someone to call or text when we were in labor or when our baby was born, and they were supposed to update the rest of the group with details. (My birth buddy and I ended up delivering on the same exact day, even though we were due at different times!) Basically, we are very, very close. You can laugh all you want about making "friends" over the internet, but I trust these ladies and love them all dearly.

One of our girls did not get to bring her baby home with her, and it wasn't because he was still being cared for at the hospital. It was because he passed away the day after he was born. The shock wave that passed through our group was unbelievable. Many of us had still not delivered, so we were hit with a hard, ugly reality. Our hearts broke collectively, and we struggled with finding the right words and actions. She shared pictures with us, taken by the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep organization. Such a beautiful, perfect baby boy.

Nikki has chosen to share her story on a public site called Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope. Her strength has completely overwhelmed me. I hope I never have to experience anything like what Nikki has been through, but if I do, I pray that I could go through it with even a fraction of the courage that she possesses. Let me encourage you to go and read the events that transpired around the time of Collins' birth. However, I will also caution you: it is extremely heart-wrenching and hard to read. Those of you that are expecting babies right now (Abigail and especially Erin) might not want to visit the site.

Nikki's story is here.

The most amazing thing about this story? Well, Nikki has taken her grief and done something truly incredible. She's crocheting hundreds of baby hats to donate to NICU babies and to NILMDTS. Some of her hats are the absolute most adorable things I've ever seen in my life, and I'm really envious of her talent! Caps from Collins is a relatively new project, but it's off to an explosive start! Please, please go check our the Facebook page, and see how much love went into all those little hats. And if any of you knit or crochet, maybe you'll want to make a few hats or blankets to donate? :)

I love you, Nikki! I think about you and baby Collins every single day, and you're always in my prayers.