Another difficult post...hopefully this will be the last.

I was really hopeful that the next time I would publish something here, it would be an announcement of a baby to come! Unfortunately, as most of you already know, that won't be happening. As if losing a baby in February wasn't hard enough, we lost another one at the end of March.

Who would've thought? Apparently, you can get pregnant just two weeks after a miscarriage, although the odds are definitely stacked against you. I suppose we're just good at defying statistics (or creating new ones…whichever). After the first pregnancy test was positive, I convinced myself that it was wrong. I waited a few days, and took another one, which was very dark and very positive. I told Nathan that night after we got the kids into bed, and I'm not sure he believed me at first. His response was, "Already?!" I showed him the test for proof, although I was still feeling a lot of doubt myself. I don't even know what prompted me to take a pregnancy test to begin with! I just had this all-too-familiar feeling…

Obviously, my first call was to my OB's office - because of what happened in February. I was concerned for a lot of reasons, and not all of them were rational. Any female that has ever had a miscarriage would probably understand exactly what was going through my mind. The nurse couldn't believe it, and asked me a million questions. Then, I asked her a million questions. After the initial shock wore off and she was convinced, she started expressing concerns. I told her how nervous and scared I was as well, and she was desperately trying to think of some way to make me feel better. They can't really see anything significant (like a heartbeat) on an ultrasound until about six weeks, and there was no way I could be that far along, so that was out of the question. It was finally decided that I should go for a blood test to check my hormone levels (hCG and progesterone), to try to put all our minds at ease. Let me tell you how much I love blood tests…I don't. Then I had to play the waiting game, which I hate more than needles.

First Blood Test - 3-8-10: YUCK.
When the nurse called the following morning, she said that I was definitely pregnant! It was very happy news, but there was still something in her voice that freaked me out a little. Apparently, everyone was still unsure about where this was going. Dr. P really wanted me to go for another blood test (48 hours after the first) to make sure the hCG level was increasing appropriately and to make sure my progesterone levels were stable. Oh, joy…another blood test and more waiting.
 
Second Blood Test - 3-10-10: Double YUCK.
This time, they made me wait two days before they bothered to give me the results, and I had to call them. That didn't stress me out at all (grrrrrr…). Dr. P's physician's assistant called me to tell me the outcome for the second set of tests, and she didn't know the whole story, so I had to tell it again. Then I had to answer those same million questions I answered before. Finally, I was told that my hormone levels looked great! The hCG was increasing just as it should be - consistent with the first trimester of pregnancy, my progesterone levels were fine, and it looked like I was about four weeks along. Just when I was about to breathe a small sigh of relief, the PA said "But…" and my heart stopped for a second. She said that Dr. P recommended coming in at about six weeks or so to make sure we could see a.) baby and b.) baby's heartbeat. Okay, that means I have to wait some more, doesn't it? Sigh…

First OB Appointment – 3-31-10:
We showed up for our first ultrasound with all confidence that everything would be just fine. I was definitely feeling pregnant at that point (tired and nauseous), so that was encouraging. Once Dr. P started the ultrasound, it only took about two seconds for him to realize something was very wrong. His exact words: "Well, I don't have good news for you guys today." He could only count six heartbeats in 15 seconds, which isn't enough to sustain life. He told us that the baby had less than a 1% chance of survival. It measured at 7 weeks, 5 days at that point. We were asked to come in the following week for a second look, just to be thorough. Longest. Week. EVER.

Second OB Appointment - 4-5-10:
The next ultrasound answered all our questions. No movement from the baby, and no visible heartbeat. I opted to go to the surgical center and have a D&C rather than to miscarry at home, so it was scheduled for the following Friday, which would have been the 9-week mark.

D&C - 4-9-10:

Apart from being really emotional, the procedure was easy and went really well. I was fine once I got home, although a little groggy, and was just so grateful that it was over.

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Now that we're three weeks past all this, I can honestly say that I'm doing well. I've been able to heal, physically and emotionally, and to move on. I can't really turn off the guilty feelings, even though I know I didn't do anything to cause what happened, so that's been difficult, but every day gets a little easier. As for the future, we have been told repeatedly that there is nothing wrong with me, and that these events are not an indicator of a fertility problem. We are still trusting God to determine our family size, and believe that there is a reason this happened, although we don't understand why.

For those of you who have never lost a baby, you will never understand. I truly hope you never have to go through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. For those of you who have had to go through this, you have my deepest sympathies, because it is truly the most heart-wrenching thing I've ever experienced.