EPISODE ONE: IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK
ZOE: Mama!! Anna's CRAPPING!!
ME: She's WHAT?!
ZOE: Crapping! See? Like this!
She starts applauding.
ME (with relief): OH! She's clapping.
ZOE: Yeah! See?
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EPISODE TWO: RELIGIOUS FASTENERS
We are in the car. Ethan and Nicholas are keeping one another entertained as we make the trip home.
ETHAN: Okay, here. Let me show you this. Ms. Karen taught me.
NICHOLAS: What?
ETHAN: Put your hands like this. Okay. 'Here's the church, here's the staple, open the doors, and see all the people. Close the doors, and listen to them pray. Open the doors and they all walk away!'
ME: It's a steeple, buddy.
ETHAN: Okay.
NICHOLAS: 'Here's the church, here's the staple...'
ME (sighing): Forget it.
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EPISODE THREE: GOLF IS EVIL
We are in the car (Yes, again. Shut up.). We stop at a light, and the kids are looking around at all the vehicles surrounding us.
ETHAN: Mama, what's that weird little car over there?
I look over and see that someone is driving a golf cart to Wal-Mart.
ME: That's a golf cart, and I'm not sure why they're driving that on the street.
It's quiet for a minute, as the kids think about this.
ETHAN: What's a golf cart?
ZOE (quietly): It does bad things.
I bust out laughing.
ME: What?!
ZOE: I don't know.
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EPISODE FOUR: ARTSY-FARTSY
I'm in the kitchen, trying to clean up after a particularly messy breakfast, and Ethan comes to visit me. He is carrying a magnetic drawing board.
ETHAN: Mama, what do you want me to draw for you?
ME: A parrot.
ETHAN: A parrot? Okay...
He draws for about three-point-two seconds, then comes running into the kitchen with the drawing board.
ETHAN: Okay, here's your parrot! See, here's the beak, and here's his eye, and here...
ME: That looks really great, buddy! Can you back up a little bit? You're about to step in the food that's all over the floor. I'm in here trying to clean up this horrible mess before it gets tracked all over the house, so if you could just give me two more minutes, I can sit and draw with you.
He goes back to the couch and sits down.
ETHAN: Why don't you think of something really hard to draw? Then it would take me a long time and I wouldn't bother you while you're cleaning.
ME: Okay. Draw ten men, all wearing large hats, that are visiting the zoo and looking at the gorilla exhibit.
ETHAN: .........
ME: Can you draw that?
ETHAN: I think that's too hard.
ME: It is, huh? Well, how about drawing a picture of our church?
ETHAN: I can do that!
He gets to work. I'm giggling as I scrub the floor, Cinderella-style.
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EPISODE FIVE: KNOCK, KNOCK
The kids are sitting at the table, drawing pictures while watching a movie.
ETHAN: How come I can't see?
ME: I don't know, buddy. What's wrong?
ETHAN: Well, Zoe's big knocker is in the way.
ME: Her what?
ETHAN: Her big knocker. Knogger?
ME: Noggin?
ETHAN: Yeah. It's in the way.
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EPISODE SIX: WASTE NOT, WANT NOT
We are eating lunch, and the kids have breadsticks. Nicholas managed to get his hands on the last one, although it seems that he's not going to eat it.
ME: Nicky, are you done with that?
NICKY: No.
ME: Well, quit fondling it and just eat it, then!
NICKY: I'm done. I'm ready to get down.
ETHAN: He didn't eat that breadstick! He took the last one and now he's wasting it.
ME: Well, do you want it?
ETHAN: No, he already fondled it.
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